i'll never be picture perfect beyonce

"Either...I like to dance or I like to cry" - Lykke Li

Resonates hard.

I did, ultimately, survive finals week with little-to-no trauma. This is the first time I feel confident that I basically rocked, which means I probably got beyond mediocre grades. But whatever, I can't do anything about it now. Time to look to the future and shake off the past. Which is good, because this semester was WACK. But anyway. My roommate moved out, because she said she wanted to live with "a bunch" of people. Whatever, she was barely a blip on my radar. Totally inoffensive, but....meh. I hope my next roommate is fierce and has potential to be a friendly.

I'm in Flagstaff for the first week of winter break. There's snow on the ground, which is not at all exciting, but that's life. I work a total of three days this week, because everyone and their nana is trying to get shifts. Alas, 15 hours is better than zero. I have no idea what has been going on this last month or so, but my money situation has become pretty much dire. I think my birthday weekend is to blame. Whatever, a girlie only has a limited amount of birthdays in her lifetime. However, consequently, I have like 18 dollars to last me until Friday. I feel like this is preparation for post-graduation life, which I suppose I can appreciate. This is going to be the absolute longest week of my life. Now that I have basically no obligations, I have an absurd amount of free time. Most of my friends have bounced out, and the ones left aren't really ones that I tend to socialize with. So I have nothing to do, no one to hang out with, and I can't even amuse myself by buying stuff. Rough. I have DVDs I haven't watched yet, and books to read, but that can only fill so much time. Oh, well, time to get creative or something.

I realized I haven't written about my birthday at all, anywhere. List time:

*Freakum dress
*Fierce friends
*Sushi
*Sake bombers
*Blushing geisha
*Shots
*Dip it, pop, twerk it, stop it
*Mystery boy
*McDonald's water


And...that's it.

Five finals and a paper next week. Maybe I'll survive, maybe I won't.

I've been thinking about friendships a lot lately. Which is interesting, in that I'm not someone who needs a lot of friends. Quality over quantity, you know. I don't throw the word "friend" around loosely. It's serious to me. I think in my whole life, there have been less than 10 people who I at one time or another considered to be a legitimate friend. And that's okay. It means that I don't have to deal with the drama that seems to characterize most people's lives from middle school until death. I have a low tolerance for wankers. I'm not one of those people who keeps others around for the sole purpose of making fun of them behind their backs or to make myself feel better or for any myriad of severely screwed up reasons people maintain "friendships." Like, obviously, people are going to be irritating. That's just the way it is. But I have encountered so many people who ALWAYS have something negative to say about someone, but still have the nerve to call them a "friend." What is that? Is it fun? I can't imagine it is. I like to make fun of people I don't know, because it's not personal, it's fleeting, and I'll forget about two seconds later. Which kind of makes me a sucky person, I realize, but it's infinitely less ridiculous than tearing down someone that you go through the effort of pretending you like.

Why am I so fixated on this? I'm not sure. Lately I've been questioning my integrity, and I guess I became too uncomfortable with that topic, so I switched to the external and started questionng other people's. And the key conclusion I've made from doing that is that people are utterly ridiculous, and while deep down they may good, they never really cultivate that inner goodness. They allow the outside world to toxify them and turn them ugly and they never think that maybe it could be different. That being cutthroat and catty and rude might be cute/funny sometimes, it can easily spiral and turn into something worse, something that becomes deeply entrenched in your very soul and will eventually become crazy impossible to extract. And that's for sure not cute.

So I have more fat to cut than I thought. And a good place to resume doing so would probably be myself.

Get it right, get it tight.

"If I can't have what I want
Then my job is to want what I've got
And be satisfied
That at least there is something more to want"

So I came across this excerpt from a Nikki Giovanni poem and it basically describes my life. Some people make it seem like wanting things is bad. Like having aspirations makes you...ungrateful? Spoiled? I'm not sure exactly, since I don't have that perspective. If anything, wanting keeps me alive. It sustains me. Sometimes I feel really numb and stoic and I wonder if I'm still legitimately alive, and then I feel a rush of desire and I know that I still exist, physically AND emotionally. I suppose I sound a little crazy right now. But I am a little crazy, so perhaps I merely sound like truth. And that's something that's been lacking in my life. There's SO MUCH fakeness around here. People try too hard to be "cool" or "unique" or "quirky" and it manifests itself as irritating insincerity. I'm not feeling it.

I came to the realization that basically everyone I've met since the beginning of 2006 has been totally wack.

That's kind of rough.

Oh, and dudes are really mean (in a complete punk b word kind of way, the lamest kind of mean) and a recent experience has confirmed why I tend to not engage with them. It only took me...well, far longer than it should have, to accept that homie is kind of a sucky person. Because even though I talk a lot of s-word about folks, I think most people are basically good and don't intend to hurt others. Which is incredibly naive. I've been lucky in that I have had relatively little experience with being emotionally stabbed, so when it does happen, I make a lot of excuses for the violent person and try to rationalize their actions and make them less hurtful. Not cute, and I'm just going to become much less hesitant about legitimately blacklisting people.

I'm making a commitment to return back to the basics (but not in a mediocre Christina Aguilera kind of way). Cutting the fat, if you will. I'm stoked.

somewhere along the way, this girl lost her soul.

because people have consistently been trying to f with her head for as long as she can recall.

so she's over it and done.

and it's cool, because emotions slow people down.

6 more months and then she can pretend like her entire life has never happened.

sweet.

No, for real, I'm gaining weight because I'm obsessed with food and I haven't been exercising the way I should. What I need to do is make friends with some rails so I'm constantly inspired. Le sigh. Model through it, Keenyah style! Ha. She was so wack.

It's the weekend. I have several DVDs that I've bought but have yet to watch, so I'll try to pop in a couple of those before Sunday night. I also have to do a team-building exercise for work. The cliqueyness is already solidified, and there are people on my blacklist who will forever be on my blacklist, and I think almost everyone else feels the same way. Also, I think it's trife to force people who are legitimately terrified of heights to do that. Like, we work at the union - isn't that sufficient psychological trauma? And this isn't like a Real World/Road Rules challenge where people at least have the chance to make mad bank. So basically, the whole situation is dumb and that's almost a consensus. One of the managers said that one of the potential repercussions for not going is a write up. Really? Really? Disciplinary action because someone doesn't want to do a ropes course? Entirely too militant/fascist. I don't recall "team-building" being a part of my job. Whatever.

Lol, I'm so riled up about this. I mean, it's only three hours of life so it's not that crucial, but it's the principle of the matter.

I put purple streaks in my hair a couple of hours ago. No real reason why. I went to Sally's Beauty Supply last weekend and they had that cheapo temporary spray-on dye so I felt compelled to purchase some "just in case". So yeah. I don't know, it's not super noticeable but it's a little different and that's cool, or whatever. It's like a throwback to middle school days when I used to put blue or green streaks in my micro-braids. Oh, I was the very definition of hot, mmhm. Except not at all. Not much has changed!

Paz, justicia, y ferocidad para siempre!

No, it definitely isn't.

It's taking entirely too long for this to internalize.

Well, at least I know that "lives" is both a noun and a verb. That's more than some people can say. I wonder what I'm going to do when I ascend to a place where I'm not surrounded by such completely remedial wankers and I can't compare myself to them to make myself feel better.

chocolate.
vodka.
blackout.

ready. set. go.

I'm waiting for my moment to come
I'm waiting for the movie to begin
I'm waiting for a revelation
I'm waiting for someone to count me in
Because now I only see my dreams
In everything I touch
Feel their cold hands on everything that I love
Cold like some magnificent skyline
Out of my reach
But always in my eyeline

Keane - Spiralling

This sums up my life most perfectly. Tis the season to be shamelessly emotional.

Add 2 bracelets and 4 pairs of earrings to that previous list of ish I've ordered online. I'm not ashamed.

And a few random thoughts:

a. It's okay to truly believe you deserve more than you currently have.
b. My NAU inner circle is a thing of the past as of this weekend. Those tricks are mediocre and we're not that close any more anyway and they have been officially moved to the acquaintances column. Greylisted, if you will.
c. There is something highly decadent about waking up to a box of milk chocolate strawberry creams and I should try to make that happen more often.
d. I still feel compelled to buy things. Whatever, I have a ginormous void and I'm unsuccessfully trying to fill it with clothes/shoes/accessories/DVDs/nail polish/etc/etc. I'm cool with that.
e. It's time to migrate. As usual.

In the past three days, I have purchased online:

- 1 Black peacoat (finally!)
- 1 messenger bag
- 3 pairs of shoes
- 2 dresses
- 4 headbands
- 1 cardigan

And I am seriously, seriously, seriously checking out Marc Jacobs totes. They're so cute! Even the low-end ones (for the most part).

This is a straight up sickness. Like, I'm so glad I've forbidden myself from using my credit card any more because I could really put myself into a world of trouble.

I am so bored. Not just in this moment, but constantly. My life is a monotonous litany of obligations and fleeting moments of superficial pleasure after I've bought something. This is either the calm before the storm, or I'm in the midst what will eventually become the most boring senior year ever in the history of senior years. For all of my talk of getting up and outtie and being above this, sometimes I wonder if all I am is "this." If maybe it's always been decided for me that I'm meant to live a really uninspiring existence. I don't know, I don't know. Depressing thoughts. Perhaps this is one of those times where I need to ask myself, What Would Beyonce Do? Shake that weave and pop it until her troubles disappear, I suppose.

Current obsessions:

*Lady Gaga - "Just Dance"
*Britney Spears - "Womanizer"
*Waking up much earlier than necessary to do homework
*Egg/cheddar/bacon sandwich on plain bagel from Einsteins'
*Jenna Jameson
*Taking wannabe artsy pictures of myself and failing oh-so-miserably
*Finding clarity on matters that have been plaguing my soul
*Being deeply concerned about the economy, and then wondering about the implications of said concern
*Lists

I had a few hours of almost pure bliss today.

It seems that all I need in my life to experience happiness is to wear a cute dress, lounge in bed next to my window with the sun shining, soft music in the background, two great books, and various snacks at my disposal.

Simple living is hot.

I scraped my ankle against something sharp last night and it continued to bleed this morning.

Story of my life.

...but they can never take away your truth.

God, Britney Spears is so wise.

Unfortunately, it takes a lot to be able to get to that point. To realize that you're essentially only at the mercy of yourself.

I know a lot of people who have gotten there though. They're really intense. Like, completely and fully committed to themselves and their lives. They feel everything deeply and profoundly, and the way they live their lives is directly linked to who they are as individuals. They're not wishy-washy, weak, or passive. The people I'm thinking of are only 20/21, so of course they're not fully formed individuals (but is anyone, ever?) but they've constructed solid working definitions that work for them, and have built pretty solid foundations that can't easily be shattered.

I must say I'm envious of them. Though sometimes their balls to the wallness can be intimidating/frustrating/completely obnoxious/borderline toxic, I consider them to be worth my admiration. Because they're in the midst of the most valid and beautiful love affair one can engage in...the one with yourself. And that's legitimately gangsta.

But apropos of nothing, I'm just going to give up on macaroni and cheese that is not homemade. I've tried two frozen kinds, and good god, did they suck. If America is supposed to be a nation of lazy and obese tricks with a desperate need for instant gratification, wouldn't the art of frozen food be super perfected by now? For reals, though.

My new life goal is to marry a head of state. Preferably head of a democratic state, but if an authoritarian sheik wanted to holla, I wouldn't turn him down. I'm not sure where this came from, because for the longest time, the idea of becoming romantically involved with someone who has political ambitions was absolutely nauseating. However, now I'm loving the idea of maybe in the next couple of years meeting a super ambitious, hungry fella whose ultimate goal is to become the "leader of the free world", someone who needs a lady who's interested in politics and can express her opinions rationally, but still knows when to hush and just be pretty arm candy. In exchange, I get a chance to be part of an inner circle that is generally not accessible to those of my socio-economic class and when homie becomes super successful, it will benefit me in my career because he would provide legitimacy.

Oh, hopefully, one day this will all transpire. I swear, I've pretty much completely stopped living in the present and spend most of my time working out my various fantasies. I've even gone so far as to look up Italian lofts, because that is my other new thing. I want to spend a portion of my life in Rome. I would prefer for this to happen in the next decade, quite honestly, because I have this vision of living a vaguely ascetic life, as only a lost 20-something female could do. I envision myself maybe meeting some super passionate, super hot Roman or Venetian or Mliano artist/activist with whom I commence an epic whirlwind romance, from which I learn exactly what kind of person I am/what I'm meant to do with my life, and our rendezvous ends with an intensely sad goodbye scene involving tears and rain and all the makings of a tearjerker chick flick.

I wish I didn't have an imagination, because my life never, ever, ever ends up being half as great as my make-believe constructions.

I need to realize that maybe being fashionable is not worth serious horrid knee and foot pain I'm enduring right now. I decided to rock these bangin' heels, which was not a good idea since I had to do a bunch of scurrying around campus. Ugh, I wanted to die. But I got all kinds of random compliments, which is always good for the soul.

Oh, god, so Gossip Girl was fantastic last night. Loved almost every second of it. However, the whole having a classy cocktail thing didn't work out so well. I had to deal with raspberry vodka instead of strawberry, and oh, I'm such a novice. I tried to make a cocktail with Sprite, and I way overdid the vodka part. I couldn't even finish a glass because it was just...disgusting. It was like sugar mixed with rubbing alcohol. Terribly offensive to the tastebuds, and maybe it's my punishment for even trying to drink on a Monday night. I don't even enjoy alcohol. But I've been socialized by my peers into thinking that alcohol makes everything better, and it really doesn't. Not in my case, anyway.

I wonder why my room smells like medicine.

Also, I feel myself becoming a legitimately mean person. It scares me.

This weekend was pretty unimpressive.

- Had to go home. That means I had to completely pretend to be a different person. I couldn't wear the clothes I always wear, or style/not style my hair the I do at school. Which means that internally, I felt totally icks, to match my icky outside appearance.
- Got home, realized I didn't have my phone, freaked out for hours.
- Found out that somehow instead of putting my phone in my bag, I dropped it on the ground outside. Some fabulous good samaritan found it and facilitated its return to my room.
- Unfortunately, that meant I was unplugged from everyone for almost two days. Um...not fun. Absolutely horrible, in fact.
- However, did go shopping. Hit up Forever 21, Sephora, Victoria's Secret, American Eagle, JC Penney, and The Body Shop.
- Came back to Flag yesterday. Dad was being super chatty with my roommate, and it was awkward.
- Went to work. Had to stay two hours later than scheduled because people on a few different levels were completely inconsiderate.
- The weather was totally screwing with my mood. It went rain to sunny to overcast to looking like it might snow, and my delicate sensibilities weren't down with that at all.
- I was itching to do some dancing and drinking last night. It sucks, because every time I get invited to a good party, I go and I'm never really in the mood to really live it up. But ever time I'm ready to do some grindin' like Clipse, no opportunities arise. Le sighhh.
- I delved into a great piece of chick lit, though. Which at the end of the day, is much more satisfying than some random college party that will be completely irrelevant by the next weekend.
- Now I'm at work, again. Two hours left, then I will hopefully proceed to procure the proper supplies to enjoy the Gossip Girl premiere tonight. I finally have a reason to look forward to Mondays again. I am legitimately pathetic. Alas, my GG buddy is off in Norway, so I'm going to be alone. Oh, that's hot. Sitting on my bed, drinking strawberry Smirnoff, getting lost in a fictional world, all by myself? That's a recipe for downward spiral if I'm not careful.
- I'm at 19 credits right now. I don't think it will be too bad, actually. I'm pretty on top of everything so far. I've realized that actually staying on top of the readings is not that difficult at all. Hopefully, that means I will have absolutely none of those terribly disgusting nights where I'm up until 3 or 4 in the morning studying or writing some 12 page paper.
- I have a strange feeling something crazy is going to happen soon, and I'm unfortunately going to be in the midst of it. I really, really hope I'm wrong though. I don't deal well with things out of the ordinary.

I don't like how easily I lose my poise. I'm stuck on a 2 minute encounter I had the other day that completely just...shattered any illusion I had of possibly being a stable individual. A couple of days ago, I ran into this boy, and I corroded into a mess. My breathing became super shallow, my heartbeat was throbbing and so obscenely loud (I swear I heard it in my head), my eyes couldn't focus, and I couldn't stand still. I kept literally trying to run away, but somewhere in the back of my head, I realized walking away while not even trying to engage in small talk would be excessively rude, so I managed to stop myself. It was absolutely ridiculous. I have no idea what it is about this person that caused me to react so strongly.

The last time I remember being even remotely as nervous as I was in that moment was the time freshman year when I wandered down to someone's room and his roommate answered the door, dripping wet and only in a towel, and I almost melted into a puddle because it was ridic. But that was different, because that boy was FINE and I was a sheltered 17 year old who had never seen a legitimately attractive boy in such a half-naked state in person before. The kid that I pretty much had an anxiety attack around the other day? Moderately attractive, but seeing/talking to him shouldn't have triggered the physical/mental reaction I had. I guess it sounds like I have a serious crush on him, but I for sure do not, so I'm just confused, agitated, and embarrassed because I can't imagine that I didn't come off as a complete and utter freakshow basket case.

HUGE DRAMATIC SIGH. I want unshakeable swagger! I want to be one of those ferociously awesome people who is totes graceful and totally solid and fabulous and all that good stuff. Whatever. It's good to have quirks. At least I'm not terribly annoying/dumb/obnoxious/ugly/clueless. Some people might think I'm endearing in the awkwardness.

I just heard a fabulously honest quote: "You make me like me more." I love when people partake in real talk. There's so much insincerity and trying too hard to be cool, and just pure old fakeness, so I love the little bits of honesty that people occasionally let slip out.

So I guess I'm over the initial burst of panic/distress/overall negativity re: school. Which isn't to say that I'm enjoying classes any more than I was before, but I've reached a place of Zen and I'm accepting that this semester is probably going to suck. Whatever, what else is new? I really need to make some friends. How ridic is that? I would think that most people, by their senior year, have already constructed a solid social circle. Not I. I've pretty much hung out with a different group of people every year, and there are only a couple of people who are kind of/sort of/relatively permanent members of the inner circle. It sucks. Unfortunately, I don't know how I'm going to go about making new friends, but hopefully I'll figure it out soon. I never really mastered the art of making new friends. I've always just kind of stumbled into friendships, pretty much complete cosmic intervention. Either that, or the other party reached out to me first, and I responded in a sufficiently satisfactory way.

I swear, this summer, I've become so long-winded in my writing. I used to be able to express things all succinctly and to the point, but now I'm all Princess Rambles status. Ew.

Oh, god, so I wore heels again today, and for some reason, I was having a rough time with steps. I almost twisted my ankle, like, three times. I completely biffed it in the union, but I was totally graceful about it. I didn't even spill my Cherry Pepsi.

And! Okay, etiquette 101 - when you tell someone you're going to call them, it might be a good idea to actually, I don't know, call them. What the f. I ran into someone yesterday that I hadn't seen in a while, we chatted for a bit, and homie was all, "I'll call you in a bit." Yesterday. Like, more than 24 hours ago. Really, what does "in a bit" even mean anyway? How does one set her watch to "in a bit"? I've noticed that when people use ambiguous time frames like that, they don't really have any intention of doing what they say they're doing, which I think is so dumb. If you don't want to do something, don't say you will. Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? Especially when you're not even provoked. In this particular instance, homie and I weren't even having a particularly scintillating conversation, so it's not even like we were in the midst of something really awesome that needed to be continued. But still, it's the principle of the matter. I can't stand flakes. They get stuck on my clothes and stimulate my inner freakshow neurotic. Not like that's a difficult feat.

I suppose I should go get my read on. Allegedly this book for my Politics of Developing Nations is a compelling read, though I'd much rather read the cheesy chick lit I picked up from Target.

Ew, why did Disney make a prequel to The Little Mermaid. Capitalist sluts. Can't they just leave things alone?

Today quite possibly might have been even more boring and unstimulating than yesterday. I had four classes, and the only one that I was excited for was my first one, so it was all downhill from there. My econ professor is totally stream of consciousness, stringing together concepts that only vaguely connect to each other. Fucking fabulous. Econ is one of my many academic weaknesses, and of course, I always get the professors who lack the skills to bring clarity to a subject that I just don't understand. Japanese sucked, as per usual, and then I had my Transnational Feminism class, with a professor who has this totally elitist, condescending, patronizing attitude towards her students that is so grating. I really wish I could derive enjoyment from my classes. I don't like feeling my spirit steadily die throughout the day. I hope my first impressions are wrong and that I end up falling madly in love with all of my classes and wake up super early every day ready to commence with the beautiful event that is "life." If nothing else, I want to shake off this...ominous feeling I have, like things are going to fall apart horribly (like there's a positive way for things to crumble).

Okay...lighter subjects, lighter subjects. I'm blanking. There must be something. Oh. I'm really super intolerant of all the unfortunate fashion I see while making my way around campus. I swear, no one knows how to find clothes that fit, accessories that ruin any kind of legitimacy an ensemble may have had, or a complete and utter lack of swagger that turns a potentially sexyhot ensemble into a hot mess. Lately, I've found myself really wondering what motivates people to wear what they wear. Not just the unfortunates, but anyone. Like, why did you choose to wear that particular top? Why are you wearing that particular wash of denim? Why are you wearing that top with that bottom? It's weird, how I become fixated on certain aspects of other people's lives. Sometimes I wish I could find myself as fascinating as I find others, but then I realize I kind of do, otherwise why would I even write a blog? Clearly, I think my thoughts are interesting enough for someone else's consumption.

But speaking of fashion, I looked hecka cute today. Though whether I'm judging that by NAU standards or by above-average real world standards is not known.

The first day of the semester = not so impressive. I had to open today, and both of the tricks I worked with arrived extremely late. Of course, since it's the beginning of the semester, everyone is stuck on stupid and I was overwhelmed with the same, repetitive questions that people could have easily found out the answer to without my assistance. Then, someone higher on the proverbial professional chain was not on the ball and that caused unnecessary tension that could have been avoided had she, you know, done what she is paid to do/what she allegedly enjoys doing.

Then I had my first class, and it was completely underwhelming. No cute boys, the professor is whatever, there are like 50 katrillion ROTC kids in there, and there is this unfortunately awkward girl that I think I'm probably going to have homicidal thoughts towards, because she's so weird and kind of disruptive and just grossly strange. I have difficulty tolerating grossly strange.

After class, I took care of some extracurricular activities, and right before I left to go back to my room, hello, torrential downpour. It was ridiculous. Like Mother Nature was seriously distraught abotu something. It was that scary kind of rain that is often described as falling down in "sheets." Of course, today, I was deadset on rocking some 3 inch heels, and when I walked outside, in some spots there was seriously 3 inches of rain on the ground. But I killed it. Barely stumbled, kept the fierce strut intact, and totally worked it out. It was fabulosa.

When I got back to my room, I changed into a new dress, and chilled out, and it took a severe amount of willpower to go to my other class. Still no cuties, and I didn't really notice any particularly ferosh individuals, but times could change.

Now I'm sitting here, DNC on in the background, slightly freezing in my room. I'm not really excited about Mondays and Wednesdays, but maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays will be a bit more exciting. I tend to enjoy South Campus more than North.

Ugh. I can't wait to get up and outtie.

I'm on the eve of commencing my senior year of college. Intellectually, I know that this is, like, hugely significant. I'm approaching crossroads in my life - not only ones related to my professional future, but my personal future as well. Consequently, I have decided to start a new blog. I have a Livejournal, but that is essentially an emo cesspool. I started writing in my LJ when I was 16, deeply entrenched in suburban turmoil. That was what I wrote in in my deepest times of despair, in my weakest/most immature moments. Now I feel like it's tainted. I feel like I'm in a different place now than I was even a few months ago, so writing in my LJ almost seems wrong. Hence, the blogspot. It kind of feels more mature, more...stable. Or, at the very least, less embarrassing.

This is the time where I really need to commit to my goals. It used to be easy to flake out, you know, because there wasn't really anything at stake. But now that I'm getting older, wading deeper into the trenches that constitutes the "20s", I feel more internal pressure to do better. I absolutely refuse to be one of those people who doesn't pull it together until they're practically menopausal. I have ambitions that I need to fulfill, places to go, people to meet, fabulous clothes to buy, experiences to partake in, and I can't let trife internal baggage slow me down. Life is long, but life is also extremely short, and I already feel like I'm off to a slow start.

Wow, I am not really making a lot of sense right now. I just got home from working a school concert (with some of the most unfortunate bands EVER), after being on my feet for almost 7 hours. My brain is fried, even though I just ate some Honey Nut Cheerios, and I think it's probably time for me to crash out.