i'll never be picture perfect beyonce

I don't like how easily I lose my poise. I'm stuck on a 2 minute encounter I had the other day that completely just...shattered any illusion I had of possibly being a stable individual. A couple of days ago, I ran into this boy, and I corroded into a mess. My breathing became super shallow, my heartbeat was throbbing and so obscenely loud (I swear I heard it in my head), my eyes couldn't focus, and I couldn't stand still. I kept literally trying to run away, but somewhere in the back of my head, I realized walking away while not even trying to engage in small talk would be excessively rude, so I managed to stop myself. It was absolutely ridiculous. I have no idea what it is about this person that caused me to react so strongly.

The last time I remember being even remotely as nervous as I was in that moment was the time freshman year when I wandered down to someone's room and his roommate answered the door, dripping wet and only in a towel, and I almost melted into a puddle because it was ridic. But that was different, because that boy was FINE and I was a sheltered 17 year old who had never seen a legitimately attractive boy in such a half-naked state in person before. The kid that I pretty much had an anxiety attack around the other day? Moderately attractive, but seeing/talking to him shouldn't have triggered the physical/mental reaction I had. I guess it sounds like I have a serious crush on him, but I for sure do not, so I'm just confused, agitated, and embarrassed because I can't imagine that I didn't come off as a complete and utter freakshow basket case.

HUGE DRAMATIC SIGH. I want unshakeable swagger! I want to be one of those ferociously awesome people who is totes graceful and totally solid and fabulous and all that good stuff. Whatever. It's good to have quirks. At least I'm not terribly annoying/dumb/obnoxious/ugly/clueless. Some people might think I'm endearing in the awkwardness.

I just heard a fabulously honest quote: "You make me like me more." I love when people partake in real talk. There's so much insincerity and trying too hard to be cool, and just pure old fakeness, so I love the little bits of honesty that people occasionally let slip out.

So I guess I'm over the initial burst of panic/distress/overall negativity re: school. Which isn't to say that I'm enjoying classes any more than I was before, but I've reached a place of Zen and I'm accepting that this semester is probably going to suck. Whatever, what else is new? I really need to make some friends. How ridic is that? I would think that most people, by their senior year, have already constructed a solid social circle. Not I. I've pretty much hung out with a different group of people every year, and there are only a couple of people who are kind of/sort of/relatively permanent members of the inner circle. It sucks. Unfortunately, I don't know how I'm going to go about making new friends, but hopefully I'll figure it out soon. I never really mastered the art of making new friends. I've always just kind of stumbled into friendships, pretty much complete cosmic intervention. Either that, or the other party reached out to me first, and I responded in a sufficiently satisfactory way.

I swear, this summer, I've become so long-winded in my writing. I used to be able to express things all succinctly and to the point, but now I'm all Princess Rambles status. Ew.

Oh, god, so I wore heels again today, and for some reason, I was having a rough time with steps. I almost twisted my ankle, like, three times. I completely biffed it in the union, but I was totally graceful about it. I didn't even spill my Cherry Pepsi.

And! Okay, etiquette 101 - when you tell someone you're going to call them, it might be a good idea to actually, I don't know, call them. What the f. I ran into someone yesterday that I hadn't seen in a while, we chatted for a bit, and homie was all, "I'll call you in a bit." Yesterday. Like, more than 24 hours ago. Really, what does "in a bit" even mean anyway? How does one set her watch to "in a bit"? I've noticed that when people use ambiguous time frames like that, they don't really have any intention of doing what they say they're doing, which I think is so dumb. If you don't want to do something, don't say you will. Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? Especially when you're not even provoked. In this particular instance, homie and I weren't even having a particularly scintillating conversation, so it's not even like we were in the midst of something really awesome that needed to be continued. But still, it's the principle of the matter. I can't stand flakes. They get stuck on my clothes and stimulate my inner freakshow neurotic. Not like that's a difficult feat.

I suppose I should go get my read on. Allegedly this book for my Politics of Developing Nations is a compelling read, though I'd much rather read the cheesy chick lit I picked up from Target.

Ew, why did Disney make a prequel to The Little Mermaid. Capitalist sluts. Can't they just leave things alone?

Today quite possibly might have been even more boring and unstimulating than yesterday. I had four classes, and the only one that I was excited for was my first one, so it was all downhill from there. My econ professor is totally stream of consciousness, stringing together concepts that only vaguely connect to each other. Fucking fabulous. Econ is one of my many academic weaknesses, and of course, I always get the professors who lack the skills to bring clarity to a subject that I just don't understand. Japanese sucked, as per usual, and then I had my Transnational Feminism class, with a professor who has this totally elitist, condescending, patronizing attitude towards her students that is so grating. I really wish I could derive enjoyment from my classes. I don't like feeling my spirit steadily die throughout the day. I hope my first impressions are wrong and that I end up falling madly in love with all of my classes and wake up super early every day ready to commence with the beautiful event that is "life." If nothing else, I want to shake off this...ominous feeling I have, like things are going to fall apart horribly (like there's a positive way for things to crumble).

Okay...lighter subjects, lighter subjects. I'm blanking. There must be something. Oh. I'm really super intolerant of all the unfortunate fashion I see while making my way around campus. I swear, no one knows how to find clothes that fit, accessories that ruin any kind of legitimacy an ensemble may have had, or a complete and utter lack of swagger that turns a potentially sexyhot ensemble into a hot mess. Lately, I've found myself really wondering what motivates people to wear what they wear. Not just the unfortunates, but anyone. Like, why did you choose to wear that particular top? Why are you wearing that particular wash of denim? Why are you wearing that top with that bottom? It's weird, how I become fixated on certain aspects of other people's lives. Sometimes I wish I could find myself as fascinating as I find others, but then I realize I kind of do, otherwise why would I even write a blog? Clearly, I think my thoughts are interesting enough for someone else's consumption.

But speaking of fashion, I looked hecka cute today. Though whether I'm judging that by NAU standards or by above-average real world standards is not known.

The first day of the semester = not so impressive. I had to open today, and both of the tricks I worked with arrived extremely late. Of course, since it's the beginning of the semester, everyone is stuck on stupid and I was overwhelmed with the same, repetitive questions that people could have easily found out the answer to without my assistance. Then, someone higher on the proverbial professional chain was not on the ball and that caused unnecessary tension that could have been avoided had she, you know, done what she is paid to do/what she allegedly enjoys doing.

Then I had my first class, and it was completely underwhelming. No cute boys, the professor is whatever, there are like 50 katrillion ROTC kids in there, and there is this unfortunately awkward girl that I think I'm probably going to have homicidal thoughts towards, because she's so weird and kind of disruptive and just grossly strange. I have difficulty tolerating grossly strange.

After class, I took care of some extracurricular activities, and right before I left to go back to my room, hello, torrential downpour. It was ridiculous. Like Mother Nature was seriously distraught abotu something. It was that scary kind of rain that is often described as falling down in "sheets." Of course, today, I was deadset on rocking some 3 inch heels, and when I walked outside, in some spots there was seriously 3 inches of rain on the ground. But I killed it. Barely stumbled, kept the fierce strut intact, and totally worked it out. It was fabulosa.

When I got back to my room, I changed into a new dress, and chilled out, and it took a severe amount of willpower to go to my other class. Still no cuties, and I didn't really notice any particularly ferosh individuals, but times could change.

Now I'm sitting here, DNC on in the background, slightly freezing in my room. I'm not really excited about Mondays and Wednesdays, but maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays will be a bit more exciting. I tend to enjoy South Campus more than North.

Ugh. I can't wait to get up and outtie.

I'm on the eve of commencing my senior year of college. Intellectually, I know that this is, like, hugely significant. I'm approaching crossroads in my life - not only ones related to my professional future, but my personal future as well. Consequently, I have decided to start a new blog. I have a Livejournal, but that is essentially an emo cesspool. I started writing in my LJ when I was 16, deeply entrenched in suburban turmoil. That was what I wrote in in my deepest times of despair, in my weakest/most immature moments. Now I feel like it's tainted. I feel like I'm in a different place now than I was even a few months ago, so writing in my LJ almost seems wrong. Hence, the blogspot. It kind of feels more mature, more...stable. Or, at the very least, less embarrassing.

This is the time where I really need to commit to my goals. It used to be easy to flake out, you know, because there wasn't really anything at stake. But now that I'm getting older, wading deeper into the trenches that constitutes the "20s", I feel more internal pressure to do better. I absolutely refuse to be one of those people who doesn't pull it together until they're practically menopausal. I have ambitions that I need to fulfill, places to go, people to meet, fabulous clothes to buy, experiences to partake in, and I can't let trife internal baggage slow me down. Life is long, but life is also extremely short, and I already feel like I'm off to a slow start.

Wow, I am not really making a lot of sense right now. I just got home from working a school concert (with some of the most unfortunate bands EVER), after being on my feet for almost 7 hours. My brain is fried, even though I just ate some Honey Nut Cheerios, and I think it's probably time for me to crash out.