cosmic theater of the absurd
Thursday, August 28, 2008 by jasmine
I don't like how easily I lose my poise. I'm stuck on a 2 minute encounter I had the other day that completely just...shattered any illusion I had of possibly being a stable individual. A couple of days ago, I ran into this boy, and I corroded into a mess. My breathing became super shallow, my heartbeat was throbbing and so obscenely loud (I swear I heard it in my head), my eyes couldn't focus, and I couldn't stand still. I kept literally trying to run away, but somewhere in the back of my head, I realized walking away while not even trying to engage in small talk would be excessively rude, so I managed to stop myself. It was absolutely ridiculous. I have no idea what it is about this person that caused me to react so strongly.
The last time I remember being even remotely as nervous as I was in that moment was the time freshman year when I wandered down to someone's room and his roommate answered the door, dripping wet and only in a towel, and I almost melted into a puddle because it was ridic. But that was different, because that boy was FINE and I was a sheltered 17 year old who had never seen a legitimately attractive boy in such a half-naked state in person before. The kid that I pretty much had an anxiety attack around the other day? Moderately attractive, but seeing/talking to him shouldn't have triggered the physical/mental reaction I had. I guess it sounds like I have a serious crush on him, but I for sure do not, so I'm just confused, agitated, and embarrassed because I can't imagine that I didn't come off as a complete and utter freakshow basket case.
HUGE DRAMATIC SIGH. I want unshakeable swagger! I want to be one of those ferociously awesome people who is totes graceful and totally solid and fabulous and all that good stuff. Whatever. It's good to have quirks. At least I'm not terribly annoying/dumb/obnoxious/ugly/clueless. Some people might think I'm endearing in the awkwardness.
I just heard a fabulously honest quote: "You make me like me more." I love when people partake in real talk. There's so much insincerity and trying too hard to be cool, and just pure old fakeness, so I love the little bits of honesty that people occasionally let slip out.
The last time I remember being even remotely as nervous as I was in that moment was the time freshman year when I wandered down to someone's room and his roommate answered the door, dripping wet and only in a towel, and I almost melted into a puddle because it was ridic. But that was different, because that boy was FINE and I was a sheltered 17 year old who had never seen a legitimately attractive boy in such a half-naked state in person before. The kid that I pretty much had an anxiety attack around the other day? Moderately attractive, but seeing/talking to him shouldn't have triggered the physical/mental reaction I had. I guess it sounds like I have a serious crush on him, but I for sure do not, so I'm just confused, agitated, and embarrassed because I can't imagine that I didn't come off as a complete and utter freakshow basket case.
HUGE DRAMATIC SIGH. I want unshakeable swagger! I want to be one of those ferociously awesome people who is totes graceful and totally solid and fabulous and all that good stuff. Whatever. It's good to have quirks. At least I'm not terribly annoying/dumb/obnoxious/ugly/clueless. Some people might think I'm endearing in the awkwardness.
I just heard a fabulously honest quote: "You make me like me more." I love when people partake in real talk. There's so much insincerity and trying too hard to be cool, and just pure old fakeness, so I love the little bits of honesty that people occasionally let slip out.
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