can't keep my hands out the cookie jar

No, for real, I'm gaining weight because I'm obsessed with food and I haven't been exercising the way I should. What I need to do is make friends with some rails so I'm constantly inspired. Le sigh. Model through it, Keenyah style! Ha. She was so wack.

It's the weekend. I have several DVDs that I've bought but have yet to watch, so I'll try to pop in a couple of those before Sunday night. I also have to do a team-building exercise for work. The cliqueyness is already solidified, and there are people on my blacklist who will forever be on my blacklist, and I think almost everyone else feels the same way. Also, I think it's trife to force people who are legitimately terrified of heights to do that. Like, we work at the union - isn't that sufficient psychological trauma? And this isn't like a Real World/Road Rules challenge where people at least have the chance to make mad bank. So basically, the whole situation is dumb and that's almost a consensus. One of the managers said that one of the potential repercussions for not going is a write up. Really? Really? Disciplinary action because someone doesn't want to do a ropes course? Entirely too militant/fascist. I don't recall "team-building" being a part of my job. Whatever.

Lol, I'm so riled up about this. I mean, it's only three hours of life so it's not that crucial, but it's the principle of the matter.

I put purple streaks in my hair a couple of hours ago. No real reason why. I went to Sally's Beauty Supply last weekend and they had that cheapo temporary spray-on dye so I felt compelled to purchase some "just in case". So yeah. I don't know, it's not super noticeable but it's a little different and that's cool, or whatever. It's like a throwback to middle school days when I used to put blue or green streaks in my micro-braids. Oh, I was the very definition of hot, mmhm. Except not at all. Not much has changed!

Paz, justicia, y ferocidad para siempre!

life is not about closure, is it?

No, it definitely isn't.

It's taking entirely too long for this to internalize.

Well, at least I know that "lives" is both a noun and a verb. That's more than some people can say. I wonder what I'm going to do when I ascend to a place where I'm not surrounded by such completely remedial wankers and I can't compare myself to them to make myself feel better.

not the girl who never wants to be alone

chocolate.
vodka.
blackout.

ready. set. go.

the trick is not caring that it hurts

I'm waiting for my moment to come
I'm waiting for the movie to begin
I'm waiting for a revelation
I'm waiting for someone to count me in
Because now I only see my dreams
In everything I touch
Feel their cold hands on everything that I love
Cold like some magnificent skyline
Out of my reach
But always in my eyeline

Keane - Spiralling

This sums up my life most perfectly. Tis the season to be shamelessly emotional.
Add 2 bracelets and 4 pairs of earrings to that previous list of ish I've ordered online. I'm not ashamed.

And a few random thoughts:

a. It's okay to truly believe you deserve more than you currently have.
b. My NAU inner circle is a thing of the past as of this weekend. Those tricks are mediocre and we're not that close any more anyway and they have been officially moved to the acquaintances column. Greylisted, if you will.
c. There is something highly decadent about waking up to a box of milk chocolate strawberry creams and I should try to make that happen more often.
d. I still feel compelled to buy things. Whatever, I have a ginormous void and I'm unsuccessfully trying to fill it with clothes/shoes/accessories/DVDs/nail polish/etc/etc. I'm cool with that.
e. It's time to migrate. As usual.

consumerism

In the past three days, I have purchased online:

- 1 Black peacoat (finally!)
- 1 messenger bag
- 3 pairs of shoes
- 2 dresses
- 4 headbands
- 1 cardigan

And I am seriously, seriously, seriously checking out Marc Jacobs totes. They're so cute! Even the low-end ones (for the most part).

This is a straight up sickness. Like, I'm so glad I've forbidden myself from using my credit card any more because I could really put myself into a world of trouble.

i'm going to hate you until i forget you

I am so bored. Not just in this moment, but constantly. My life is a monotonous litany of obligations and fleeting moments of superficial pleasure after I've bought something. This is either the calm before the storm, or I'm in the midst what will eventually become the most boring senior year ever in the history of senior years. For all of my talk of getting up and outtie and being above this, sometimes I wonder if all I am is "this." If maybe it's always been decided for me that I'm meant to live a really uninspiring existence. I don't know, I don't know. Depressing thoughts. Perhaps this is one of those times where I need to ask myself, What Would Beyonce Do? Shake that weave and pop it until her troubles disappear, I suppose.