i'll never be picture perfect beyonce

Current obsessions:

*Lady Gaga - "Just Dance"
*Britney Spears - "Womanizer"
*Waking up much earlier than necessary to do homework
*Egg/cheddar/bacon sandwich on plain bagel from Einsteins'
*Jenna Jameson
*Taking wannabe artsy pictures of myself and failing oh-so-miserably
*Finding clarity on matters that have been plaguing my soul
*Being deeply concerned about the economy, and then wondering about the implications of said concern
*Lists

I had a few hours of almost pure bliss today.

It seems that all I need in my life to experience happiness is to wear a cute dress, lounge in bed next to my window with the sun shining, soft music in the background, two great books, and various snacks at my disposal.

Simple living is hot.

I scraped my ankle against something sharp last night and it continued to bleed this morning.

Story of my life.

...but they can never take away your truth.

God, Britney Spears is so wise.

Unfortunately, it takes a lot to be able to get to that point. To realize that you're essentially only at the mercy of yourself.

I know a lot of people who have gotten there though. They're really intense. Like, completely and fully committed to themselves and their lives. They feel everything deeply and profoundly, and the way they live their lives is directly linked to who they are as individuals. They're not wishy-washy, weak, or passive. The people I'm thinking of are only 20/21, so of course they're not fully formed individuals (but is anyone, ever?) but they've constructed solid working definitions that work for them, and have built pretty solid foundations that can't easily be shattered.

I must say I'm envious of them. Though sometimes their balls to the wallness can be intimidating/frustrating/completely obnoxious/borderline toxic, I consider them to be worth my admiration. Because they're in the midst of the most valid and beautiful love affair one can engage in...the one with yourself. And that's legitimately gangsta.

But apropos of nothing, I'm just going to give up on macaroni and cheese that is not homemade. I've tried two frozen kinds, and good god, did they suck. If America is supposed to be a nation of lazy and obese tricks with a desperate need for instant gratification, wouldn't the art of frozen food be super perfected by now? For reals, though.

My new life goal is to marry a head of state. Preferably head of a democratic state, but if an authoritarian sheik wanted to holla, I wouldn't turn him down. I'm not sure where this came from, because for the longest time, the idea of becoming romantically involved with someone who has political ambitions was absolutely nauseating. However, now I'm loving the idea of maybe in the next couple of years meeting a super ambitious, hungry fella whose ultimate goal is to become the "leader of the free world", someone who needs a lady who's interested in politics and can express her opinions rationally, but still knows when to hush and just be pretty arm candy. In exchange, I get a chance to be part of an inner circle that is generally not accessible to those of my socio-economic class and when homie becomes super successful, it will benefit me in my career because he would provide legitimacy.

Oh, hopefully, one day this will all transpire. I swear, I've pretty much completely stopped living in the present and spend most of my time working out my various fantasies. I've even gone so far as to look up Italian lofts, because that is my other new thing. I want to spend a portion of my life in Rome. I would prefer for this to happen in the next decade, quite honestly, because I have this vision of living a vaguely ascetic life, as only a lost 20-something female could do. I envision myself maybe meeting some super passionate, super hot Roman or Venetian or Mliano artist/activist with whom I commence an epic whirlwind romance, from which I learn exactly what kind of person I am/what I'm meant to do with my life, and our rendezvous ends with an intensely sad goodbye scene involving tears and rain and all the makings of a tearjerker chick flick.

I wish I didn't have an imagination, because my life never, ever, ever ends up being half as great as my make-believe constructions.

I need to realize that maybe being fashionable is not worth serious horrid knee and foot pain I'm enduring right now. I decided to rock these bangin' heels, which was not a good idea since I had to do a bunch of scurrying around campus. Ugh, I wanted to die. But I got all kinds of random compliments, which is always good for the soul.

Oh, god, so Gossip Girl was fantastic last night. Loved almost every second of it. However, the whole having a classy cocktail thing didn't work out so well. I had to deal with raspberry vodka instead of strawberry, and oh, I'm such a novice. I tried to make a cocktail with Sprite, and I way overdid the vodka part. I couldn't even finish a glass because it was just...disgusting. It was like sugar mixed with rubbing alcohol. Terribly offensive to the tastebuds, and maybe it's my punishment for even trying to drink on a Monday night. I don't even enjoy alcohol. But I've been socialized by my peers into thinking that alcohol makes everything better, and it really doesn't. Not in my case, anyway.

I wonder why my room smells like medicine.

Also, I feel myself becoming a legitimately mean person. It scares me.

This weekend was pretty unimpressive.

- Had to go home. That means I had to completely pretend to be a different person. I couldn't wear the clothes I always wear, or style/not style my hair the I do at school. Which means that internally, I felt totally icks, to match my icky outside appearance.
- Got home, realized I didn't have my phone, freaked out for hours.
- Found out that somehow instead of putting my phone in my bag, I dropped it on the ground outside. Some fabulous good samaritan found it and facilitated its return to my room.
- Unfortunately, that meant I was unplugged from everyone for almost two days. Um...not fun. Absolutely horrible, in fact.
- However, did go shopping. Hit up Forever 21, Sephora, Victoria's Secret, American Eagle, JC Penney, and The Body Shop.
- Came back to Flag yesterday. Dad was being super chatty with my roommate, and it was awkward.
- Went to work. Had to stay two hours later than scheduled because people on a few different levels were completely inconsiderate.
- The weather was totally screwing with my mood. It went rain to sunny to overcast to looking like it might snow, and my delicate sensibilities weren't down with that at all.
- I was itching to do some dancing and drinking last night. It sucks, because every time I get invited to a good party, I go and I'm never really in the mood to really live it up. But ever time I'm ready to do some grindin' like Clipse, no opportunities arise. Le sighhh.
- I delved into a great piece of chick lit, though. Which at the end of the day, is much more satisfying than some random college party that will be completely irrelevant by the next weekend.
- Now I'm at work, again. Two hours left, then I will hopefully proceed to procure the proper supplies to enjoy the Gossip Girl premiere tonight. I finally have a reason to look forward to Mondays again. I am legitimately pathetic. Alas, my GG buddy is off in Norway, so I'm going to be alone. Oh, that's hot. Sitting on my bed, drinking strawberry Smirnoff, getting lost in a fictional world, all by myself? That's a recipe for downward spiral if I'm not careful.
- I'm at 19 credits right now. I don't think it will be too bad, actually. I'm pretty on top of everything so far. I've realized that actually staying on top of the readings is not that difficult at all. Hopefully, that means I will have absolutely none of those terribly disgusting nights where I'm up until 3 or 4 in the morning studying or writing some 12 page paper.
- I have a strange feeling something crazy is going to happen soon, and I'm unfortunately going to be in the midst of it. I really, really hope I'm wrong though. I don't deal well with things out of the ordinary.