i'll never be picture perfect beyonce

I've been thinking about friendships a lot lately. Which is interesting, in that I'm not someone who needs a lot of friends. Quality over quantity, you know. I don't throw the word "friend" around loosely. It's serious to me. I think in my whole life, there have been less than 10 people who I at one time or another considered to be a legitimate friend. And that's okay. It means that I don't have to deal with the drama that seems to characterize most people's lives from middle school until death. I have a low tolerance for wankers. I'm not one of those people who keeps others around for the sole purpose of making fun of them behind their backs or to make myself feel better or for any myriad of severely screwed up reasons people maintain "friendships." Like, obviously, people are going to be irritating. That's just the way it is. But I have encountered so many people who ALWAYS have something negative to say about someone, but still have the nerve to call them a "friend." What is that? Is it fun? I can't imagine it is. I like to make fun of people I don't know, because it's not personal, it's fleeting, and I'll forget about two seconds later. Which kind of makes me a sucky person, I realize, but it's infinitely less ridiculous than tearing down someone that you go through the effort of pretending you like.

Why am I so fixated on this? I'm not sure. Lately I've been questioning my integrity, and I guess I became too uncomfortable with that topic, so I switched to the external and started questionng other people's. And the key conclusion I've made from doing that is that people are utterly ridiculous, and while deep down they may good, they never really cultivate that inner goodness. They allow the outside world to toxify them and turn them ugly and they never think that maybe it could be different. That being cutthroat and catty and rude might be cute/funny sometimes, it can easily spiral and turn into something worse, something that becomes deeply entrenched in your very soul and will eventually become crazy impossible to extract. And that's for sure not cute.

So I have more fat to cut than I thought. And a good place to resume doing so would probably be myself.

Get it right, get it tight.

"If I can't have what I want
Then my job is to want what I've got
And be satisfied
That at least there is something more to want"

So I came across this excerpt from a Nikki Giovanni poem and it basically describes my life. Some people make it seem like wanting things is bad. Like having aspirations makes you...ungrateful? Spoiled? I'm not sure exactly, since I don't have that perspective. If anything, wanting keeps me alive. It sustains me. Sometimes I feel really numb and stoic and I wonder if I'm still legitimately alive, and then I feel a rush of desire and I know that I still exist, physically AND emotionally. I suppose I sound a little crazy right now. But I am a little crazy, so perhaps I merely sound like truth. And that's something that's been lacking in my life. There's SO MUCH fakeness around here. People try too hard to be "cool" or "unique" or "quirky" and it manifests itself as irritating insincerity. I'm not feeling it.

I came to the realization that basically everyone I've met since the beginning of 2006 has been totally wack.

That's kind of rough.

Oh, and dudes are really mean (in a complete punk b word kind of way, the lamest kind of mean) and a recent experience has confirmed why I tend to not engage with them. It only took me...well, far longer than it should have, to accept that homie is kind of a sucky person. Because even though I talk a lot of s-word about folks, I think most people are basically good and don't intend to hurt others. Which is incredibly naive. I've been lucky in that I have had relatively little experience with being emotionally stabbed, so when it does happen, I make a lot of excuses for the violent person and try to rationalize their actions and make them less hurtful. Not cute, and I'm just going to become much less hesitant about legitimately blacklisting people.

I'm making a commitment to return back to the basics (but not in a mediocre Christina Aguilera kind of way). Cutting the fat, if you will. I'm stoked.

somewhere along the way, this girl lost her soul.

because people have consistently been trying to f with her head for as long as she can recall.

so she's over it and done.

and it's cool, because emotions slow people down.

6 more months and then she can pretend like her entire life has never happened.

sweet.