so crazy, not sexy, questionably cool

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 by jasmine

so, pretty much, 2009 sucked for me. maybe it's because i had such high expectations. you know, change i can believe in, graduating from college, commencing life as a non-academic adult, etc. i thought this would be the year i could forget the rest of my life had ever even happened. you know, a year of clarity, renewal, evolution, and pure, unadulterated awesomeness, and i would be able to leave behind hurt, insecurity, and other assorted weaknesses. yeah...no. if anything, everything i wanted to let go ended up being magnified by trazillions. it was essentially a year of emotional/psychological terrorism perpetrated by others, tragic choices of my own making, with some circumstantial shenanigans out of my control thrown in for good measure.

however, i did learn some ish.

*moving to a city where a lot of people have the same ambitions as you in the middle of a recession is perhaps not the smartest idea.

*making a 19 year old endure 30 seconds of awkwardness is far more offensive than beating one's girlfriend. (I'M SORRY, KANYE. I OVERREACTED. I LOVE YOU AND 808s AND HEARTBREAK IS STILL AMAZING. chris brown, you still suck. so do your new songs. and learn how to speak, you undereducated, inarticulate wanker.)

*poor people don't deserve access to quality health care.

*because of barack obama's election, racism is officially eradicated.

*it is nearly impossible to give a tour of the us capitol without getting lost.

*"dirty diana" is the most epic michael jackson song of all time. OF ALL TIME.

*the phrase "we're not having sex tonight" is apparently not as clear as one might think.

*it is possible to rock heels in snow/ice and not take a tumble.

*every time i'm home for an extended period of time, i discover a new sex-oriented blog and feel compelled to read every single entry. maybe it's because for me, phoenix is a champagne room...if you don't get that reference, we will never be legitimate friends. :/

*knocking up an infamous governor's teenage daughter somehow entitles you to fame. seriously, why do i know who levi johnston is? and why was there demand to see his penis? america, can we get some standards? he isn't even cute. well, he's cute in that taylor lautner way...which is to say, paper bag status.

*you can have a 4-year intensely public meltdown, but then repair your image/career enough to go on a worldwide sold-out arena tour (because it's britney, bitch).

*any vaguely attractive woman has a shot to hit it with tiger woods. emphasis on the "vaguely", by the way.

*you have to be your own best friend to survive. others will, intentionally or not, destroy any part of yourself that you choose to put out there for their consumption. so you have to be able to comfort yourself, empower yourself, have fun with yourself, and make yourself feel special. if you leave that up to other people..no, just don't. thank you, 2009, for constantly reinforcing this.

*3008 > 2000 and late.

yo, next decade, i'ma let you finish, but just to let you know, the '00s was pretty awesome at the whole wrecking spirits thing, so you shouldn't even try to top it. the game needs changing, so be the cashier. let this recession peace out, let this world stop resisting progress, let people be good to themselves, and good to each other. and if you could possibly obliterate the existence of uggs, twilight, and glenn beck, that would be great.

xoxo.

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you look so dumb right now

Thursday, December 03, 2009 by jasmine

i'm sensitive. when i'm hurt, i'm deeply hurt. i've gotten increasingly better at hiding it, glossing over it with humor and perkiness and engrossing myself in everyone else's lives to distract myself. sometimes i slip and crack, and emo jasmine is on display, and then people don't know how to talk to me, which i understand, but it still upsets me. but i shut it down, and turn on the charm again. because being sad is not cool. it's not cute. it's for emo losers. and i mean, "jasmine fierce" is supposed to present herself as FIERCE. she wears ridiculous hair accessories and heels even when it's snowing and goes camping in dresses and looks down on unstylish weirdos and worships beyonce and is kind of funny and doesn't let things like emotions slow her roll. it's so hard maintaining that, because when i feel pain, i feel it so profoundly and for prolonged periods of time. it takes forever for me to let anything go and move on. the stupidest, most minute events can trigger me into a spiral of bummed-outness.

for example, today, i saw that the first virginia boy to mindscrew me added this REALLY HOT girl as a friend on facebook. gorgeous hair, nice makeup, banging body (which she was showing off in a cami and underwear). of course, i compared myself to her and came up short, for i am merely "a'ight", and that's on a good day, and that was a tad/a lot misery-inducing. so what did i do? i made a facebook status about how if i had a hot body, i'd be nudie all the time, to the detriment of any kind of personality. even though what i really wanted to do was curl up into the fetal position and bawl my eyes out, for what could have been between me and va boy, what isn't, and what i will never be (a hot, sexy, seductive woman). all of that from a simple newsfeed update.

it's probably for the best that i have some semblance of a sense of humor. because i feel like with every second i exist, i am this close to stuffing my coat with rocks and drowning myself in a river.

emotions are difficult. and all the hot girls in the world? i love you, but you hurt my feelings with your hotness.

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my heart is the worst

Monday, November 16, 2009 by jasmine

this is part two (part one) of what will eventually lead to a legit revelation...one that millions of women have made before me, and millions will make af"ter me, but you know, i like to be self-indulgent sometimes.


so after that fateful night, i fell into a downward spiral. i was miserable, lonely, distracted, distraught, upset, and even a little bit heartbroken. when i engage intimately with someone, i feel like i'm giving up a little bit of myself. i feel vulnerable. so to give a little bit of myself to this guy, and to have him reject it for not being enough, was extremely painful. at the time, i considered this to be such a cowardly way to approach things. i thought it meant that i was childish and immature. i thought i was dumb for feeling that way. so i tried to ignore it. three weeks after i was sexually violated, i encountered this guy i was acquainted with at a bar. he was cute and funny, and we started making out. blah blah, i went home with him. we were both solidly intoxicated, but we didn't have sex, and the afternoon after was beyond awkward, and unfortunately, i'm pretty unskilled in the art of gracefully extricating one's self from undesirable social situations. so, pretty much, i waited for him to be like, "peace out."

i felt disgusting, worthless, nasty, etc. this rendezvous stung especially hard, because we had a conversation once wherein he said he doesn't do one night stands because he's too controlled for it, and the one time he did have one, he felt gross. so you know it feels really awesome when someone breaks that rule for you. like, great, i'm good enough for you to paw on the metro, but not good enough to watch a movie with the day after. fabulous. two days later, i sent him an innocous text that was like, "LET'S MAKE THIS LESS AWKWARD AND TRY TO RECOVER SOME VESTIGE OF OUR ACQUAINTANCESHIP." and he was pretty much, "OKAY...HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING. YOU'RE A COOTIE-RIDDEN WHORESLUT." and then i once again plunged into despair. i was just confused. both of those boys constantly told me repeatedly that i'm cool/awesome/funny/amazing/beautiful blah blah, lies. and i'm more naive than i like to think i am. sometimes i forget that some people don't put as much stock in their words as i do. so i allowed myself to be lulled into a sense of false complacency, and then got screwed over.

and i thought it was totally my fault. when in reality, it really wasn't. when someone is an asshole, that is completely on their own volition. just because those dudes didn't value me as a person doesn't mean that i'm not valuable as a person. i am. i deserve to be respected and loved. i am human, and i may not be perfect in any sphere, but i don't hurt others, and in return, i deserve that same courtesy. and it's okay that if i get with someone, i WANT THEM TO HAVE A MODICUM OF LIKE FOR ME. it doesn't have to lead into the most epic relationship of all time, but i need to not be treated like trash either. and yes, this desire is enhanced around people who have stuck their tongues down my throat. and i think that is completely reasonable and acceptable.

right. yeah.

catharsis rant over.

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better stop crying hello and goodbye-ing

Friday, November 13, 2009 by jasmine

this is part one of what will eventually lead to a legit revelation...one that millions of women have made before me, and millions will make after me, but you know, i like to be self-indulgent sometimes.

my life is still beyond stagnant at this moment. the world keeps spinning, but i remain in the exact same place. so i spend a lot of time living in the past. particularly one night. august 17, 2009. what had started as an innocuous acquaintanceship quickly escalated to him being the first person i contacted when i woke up and the last person i talked to before resting my head. it was splendid. then he offered to cook me dinner one night, and of course, i accepted. it was lovely, he was lovely, i was swooning, he was cute, and he thought i was cute, it was so totally gooey and lovely, etc.

we started watching lindsay lohan's straight-to-tv offering, "labor pains." the chemistry was tangible and distracting, so we indulged. i specifically laid out one very clear boundary ("we are not having sex"). he agreed...but then tried to cross it. i understood why it was difficult, so i did everything i could to make sure he was having as much fun as possible while still keeping that boundary in place. and he couldn't respect it. he explicitly violated it, and then proceeded to be frigid after i disengaged. it was exceptionally late by this point, and i was confused, anxious, but also exhausted, so we fell asleep cuddling. except i couldn't stop shaking. and that made him nervous/agitated. like it was all my fault that any comfort i had around him was completely shattered and my body was responding accordingly. i was scared. when we woke up a few hours later, he tried to get frisky again, and i completely shut him down. we went our separate ways and a few hours lated, he texted me about how freaked out he was, and how he was unsure if he was still interested. and i completely took the blame for the situation on myself. i apologized to him for being inconsiderate. but he was very clearly conflicted about wanting to even talk to me ever again.

and IT STUNG. oh, how it stung. the very first person i told this tale to received a very sanitized version of the story that completely absolved the boy of any responsibility. and all she offered was hollow advice that actually ended up making me feel worse. on the metro ride home, i listened to jordin sparks all the way. um, yes, that's how in pathetic a state i was.

the second person i told received a more complete version of the situation, but still one that didn't properly put on blast what a douchemonster he was. and she was a lot more supportive of me as an individual and me trying to reconcile with him. sigh. so i sent him a couple of innocuous texts that same day, to no response. which obviously should have provoked me to put down a cease and desist order on that entire situation. but of course i didn't. two days later, i sent him one final text with the message of, "YOU SHOULD LIKE ME BECAUSE YOU'RE AWESOME AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS AWESOME BEFORE I DECIDED NOT TO GIVE YOU NOOKIE." and of course, he didn't answer that one. so i began to heal...though healing is supremely difficult when he's a facebook friend, and you're a stalker, and you're especially fond of stalking dudes who don't like you. and i will admit, to this day, i continue to look at his profile, his photos, and compare myself to the girls he is friends with.

i know. i am so weak. but at least i recognize that he sucks. and really, the reason i continue to be mildly fixated on him is because i always need a dude to creep obnoxiously on.

that was some serious word vomit. but it's the first time i've ever described such a crucial night in my life in excruciating detail.

part 2 to come soon.

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dead and gone

Saturday, October 10, 2009 by jasmine

my blog has taken a hiatus because my life is on hiatus. i am in between employment, and on what pretty much amounts to an allowance, i do not enter the world often. it sucks. not only does it mean i'm not inspired to write, but also, it's boring. staying inside, observing other people's lives via the internet, while scintillating to a degree, is mindnumbingly retarded.

part of me wants to get on this chick's program.

at least it would mean some semblance of life.

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the impossible

Friday, September 25, 2009 by jasmine

so even though i'm cynical and refer to boys i'm attracted to as "future ex-boyfriends", i'm in love with the idea of love. to be completely candid, i don't think i will ever find it. and i'm okay with that. but i remain completely infatuated with other people's love. i love hearing expressions of love. i love reading schmoopy, vaguely obnoxious blog entries about good relationships. and i LOVE love songs. adore. my recent obsession is a track from mariah carey's memoirs of an imperfect angel



it's called "the impossible." and i'm completely obsessed (yes, i really just did that. i know. i know.)

anyway, it's fabulous.

i love you like summertime

love you like cherry wine

love you like free money, like a preacher loves sunday

love you like a freezepop

love you like a milkshake
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love you like a high school girl on a first date

love you like shooting stars

love you like a muscle car

love you like we're destined

love you like my lover and my best friend

love you like sunsets, bubble baths on the jet

love you like kool-aid, louis millionaire shades
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love you like sugar daddies

love you like a holiday duncan heinz yellow cake
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love you like it's 5:00 am and i want to work

love you like louis vuitton heels and a miniskirt
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[some lines redacted because i can't decipher what she's saying]

so silly and ridiculous, but sincere. and i feel like if i were to fall in love, this is totally how i'd describe it.

maybe one day? maybe?

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fragile and free

Thursday, September 24, 2009 by jasmine

so my internship is over. almost four months of...institutionalized awkwardness is finished. of course, even though most of my time there was miserable and mindnumbing, i don't do well with endings. so of course i spent the whole day being nostalgic...

this is the last time i will walk from the capitol south metro to [insert office building here].

this is the last time this douchey security guard will do a half-hearted wanding of me

oh my god, i'll never twirl down these hallways again when i think no one else is around.

and so on and so forth. and even though none of my coworkers will receive invites to my imaginary future wedding, i did feel a deep pang of sadness when i realized i'd never see them again. it's kind of jolting to go from seeing the same cracked people daily to not seeing them at all.

the whole finding a big-girl job thing is failing pretty hardcore. though there are a couple of promising leads. though that's what i thought a month ago and none of them panned out. sigh. recession, be gone, please. thanks.

i just want to be able to shop again. i don't think that's a lot to ask for. forever 21 is screeching for me. and so is h&m. i live for luxuries.

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i am not my hair

Sunday, September 20, 2009 by jasmine

yesterday, i was introduced to the wonderful world of...

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WIGS!

i never had a problem with wigs. i thought they were funky and fun. and i've always been dissatisfied with my natural hair. but the idea of rocking a wig made me nervous. i thought it would be too artificial. i didn't want to worry about answering questions about the non-realness of my hair. when i was younger, i used to wear synthetic braids, and anytime i transitioned from my natural short hair to my brandy-like braids




people (well, elementary school kids) would always be so...intrigued/disgusted. so i'd feel so self-conscious. but now, i'm finally at the point where i'm like...yo, it's my hair. and i can choose to do whatever i want with it. as tlc said,

you can buy your hair if it won't grow

so that's what i want to do. start a fucking fierce wig collection and change styles/lengths/colors and it will be awesome.

yay! i feel like i've been in a fashion rut for quite some time, so i'm excited to add some different flair/funkiness to my overall aesthetic.

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if only britney had performed

Tuesday, September 15, 2009 by jasmine

so i guess i should acknowledge the vmas, even if i'm far from timely at this point.

kanye west is a complete douchemonster, and his complete disrespect for taylor swift winning her first award was just pathetic and tacky. i've been pretty madly in love with him for about five years, and though i enjoy taylor swift, she's not part of my holy trifecta of awesome female pop stars. but he has engaged in just too many shenanigans, and it's like, get some class, louis vuitton don. christ. i mean, yes, beyonce is fabulous. everyone knows it. let someone else have a moment.



this made me a little bit teary. i watched it three or four times, and every. single. time. i got choked up. i don't know what it was exactly. i mean, obviously, beyonce knew it would make her look like the epitome of lovely, but at the same time, it was just such a cool display of, like, female solidarty and a queen acknowleding a new princess, blair crowning jenny fierceness. and it was awesome.

oh, by the way, i know people were underwhelmed, but i thought janet jackson KILLED IT. those 90 seconds were unadulterated passion.

and you know i was head over heels for lady gaga faking her own death in the middle of "paparazzi."



okay. and i'm done.

i leave with underrated fabulosity:

2009 MTV VMAs: Pink – Sober

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i like that you like me

Sunday, September 13, 2009 by jasmine

so i really love validation from dudes. and yes, i'm very much ashamed. it doesn't matter who it's from. i love being hit on walking down the street. i like that the guys who hand out newspapers outside the metro in the morning give me a little extra attention and call me "cutie." i like when i get explicit texts/e-mails from dudes that i would never let near my friends' vaginas, let alone my own.

i'm sure it's a symptom of low self-esteem. also, because i was a fug, hot mess for almost two decades, so no guys ever thought i was worth talking to, so it gives me a little thrill when one deigns to flirt with me, regardless of the sleaze factor.

oh, whatever, it is what it is.

i am too stoked for the vmas today. i haven't been this interested since britney and justin were both virgins.


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it's not me, it's you

Wednesday, September 09, 2009 by jasmine

the title? my official stance on my last post. so i'm over it. dirt is officially off my my shoulder.

my dad put $60 in my account. he called this "a little bit" of money. i call this, "food for the next two-three weeks." jesus christ on a cracker, do i need a job. i am not meant to live like this. especially here. when one moves from a tiny college town to a big city, your baller status is supposed to elevate, not decline.

7 more days of interning. if i don't have a job by then....sup, lincoln memorial, i'm going to dive off you into the washington monument reflecting pool. and it will be glorious.

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you don't know about a girl

Sunday, September 06, 2009 by jasmine

i should really stay away from cute, skinny boys who live in virginia. i'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office.

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it's just one of those days

Monday, August 31, 2009 by jasmine

forgot my ipod this morning.

i am going to die on the way home. i realize i didn't die on the way in, but the ipod is infinitely more crucial after work than before work. blasting whatever my jam du jour is is the equivalent of an ice cold brewski for another worn-down "professional." sigh. this is going to be the longest commute of my life, and i'm not even going to be on the orange or red lines.

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sick cycle carousel

Sunday, August 30, 2009 by jasmine

13 days later and i'm still not over it.

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emotional terrorism

Saturday, August 29, 2009 by jasmine

me: "i didn't know we were engaging in psychological warfare."
him: "always. you're in the united states congress."

and that would probably describe my entire internship experience.

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she wolf

Sunday, August 23, 2009 by jasmine

it would be really, profoundly, spectacularly amazing if i could find a new job.

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appletinis instead of meals

Sunday, August 09, 2009 by jasmine

i'm going to need people to stop calling me fat.

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and i make no apologies

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 by jasmine

sigh. so i haven't written every day like i had wanted. basically, it's because i've been engaging in activity that is kind of shameful, and i don't feel comfortable describing it. i've been flirting with scandal in the worst ways, and it's so out of character. but at the same time, i've felt much more stimulated these last couple of weeks than i have all summer. so i don't regret any of it at all.

and i need to find another job by august 20th. no big.

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she's got a lot of nothing to say

Sunday, July 26, 2009 by jasmine

i went to starbucks with a boy on friday afternoon. it was cute. he was cute. i don't want/expect anything sparkly to come of it, but it was nice to do something social with someone other than my roommate/coworkers. god, i miss social events being a regular part of my life, and not something worth writing about.

nevertheless. yesterday, i had a legitimate breakfast for the first time in FOREVER. pancakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon. it was the definition of divine. my roommate and i met up with one of her coworkers to dine. my roommate had told me that she was "so sweet, just the sweetest girl", etc, etc, etc, and...i mean, she was totally nice, but if i never saw her again, i wouldn't be terribly distraught. i'm such a misanthrope sometimes. i just don't like very many people very much. i don't know if my standards are excessively high or if other people expect too little from people.

then my roommate and i met up with another friend to see "orphan." friday night, roomie and i had watched the trailer, and we were expecting it to be terrible, but in a hysterical way, but i legitimately enjoyed it. the characters were engaging, that little demon child esther was fierce, the plot was pretty steadily paced...leonardo dicaprio was a producer, which must be why it wasn't as bootleg as i was anticipating.

then i ended up going to bed by 9:30 last night because i was just that bored.

the roomie is going to be making mexican...or at the very least, mexican-inspired cuisine for dinner today. hayyy. but because i'm so considerate, i'm going to clean the kitchen before she gets back from church. stupid trifling boy roommates who don't know how to wash dishes.

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recent favorite songs

Friday, July 24, 2009 by jasmine


fave 5

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every hello ends with a goodbye

Wednesday, July 22, 2009 by jasmine

the girl i was even a week ago would look into the soul of the girl i am right now and be thoroughly unimpressed.

but maybe i'm being pre-emptively melodramatic.

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this beat is sick

Monday, July 20, 2009 by jasmine

i could totally get fired for what i was doing while working today.

oh, i love the surprises that life can bring.

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drive my soul

Saturday, July 18, 2009 by jasmine

of course, homegirl gets back to me and she can't go out. quelle surprise. whatever, i just took a most amazing shower, one of those seriously cathartic showers that completely washes away external and internal grime. so at least i had that to make this saturday night worth something.

people in phoenix keep telling me to come back after my internship is over, and while most of me balks at the fact, there is that tiny sliver of my soul that is longing to be back in familiar territory, with reliable friends, and devoid of consistent and constant loneliness. but i know i'm romanticizing what my life used to be, and i know that it always takes me a long time to settle anywhere. so i keep strutting along, secure in the knowledge that one day, the missing pieces will materialize, and this web of despair and depression i'm steadily and expertly weaving will eventually unravel. because it has to.

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and i can see this unraveling

by jasmine

i spend a lot of time waiting and hoping for phone calls lately. it is so demoralizing and irritating.

nevertheless, i hope s calls me today so we can go to a club. i haven't been to a club since...the second weekend i was here, and it was wack on several levels. but i know that the right establishments and the right going-out buddies are out there, and i need to figure it out before certain people come out to visit! i should have asked that girl i was standing next to on the metro platform the other day. from the conversation she was having, it was clear that homegirl is very familiar with, at the very least, great places to drink.

i'm completely ignoring the fact that i should really be on lockdown because my financial situation sucks, but that makes me want to go out even more. silly, silly girl. i'm going to regret my irresponsibility soon enough, so i might as well indulge in it for the time being.

on an even more pathetic note, i find myself relating to the music of 16 year old disney chicks hardcore. demi lovato is killin' hos with this new album. or at least, the one song from it that i have been listening to almost nonstop. "catch me" is too adorably fierce.

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to 3 of the fave 5

Thursday, July 16, 2009 by jasmine

i sound so fake! i impromptu-ly recorded this video outside of the building i work in.

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chewing gum

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 by jasmine

yesterday, i went to the first annual congressional women's softball game. my boss was in it, so that's the only reason why i thought i wanted to go. i momentarily forgot my complete aversion to most sports. it was terribly boring, but it was for a good cause - over $41,000 was raised to fund breast cancer research. my coworkers and i only stayed for about half the game. the field was in georgetown, which isn't very metro accessible, so i had to take one bus, then transfer to another bus to get me to a metro. i got impatient between the transfer and proceeded to walk around the neighborhood (which, oh my god, i need to go back there when i have money because there were some fierce stores). then i ended up walking through part of the georgetown campus, which was so gorgeous, as were many of the students. i felt super inferior and totally lamented my nau experience. i didn't make it home until well after midnight, didn't fall asleep until 1:30ish and i woke up feeling like i'd been strangled and poisoned - nauseated, achy, etc, etc. it was a rough morning.

it eventually leveled out and the last couple of hours were decent. i've managed to forge amicable relationships with most of my coworkers somehow, so that aspect of work is infinitely more tolerable. i even felt comfortable enough to drink a corona after 6:00, and that ish had me feeling super floaty and festive. after i bounced from work, i headed straight for the metro. i was waiting on the platform, someone calls me name, i turn around, and it's my absolute favorite professor ever! so random. her son is performing in a play here. seeing her totally made my day - she is so inspirational. not only is she utterly brilliant, but she is gorgeous and stylish and fun and great. so i'm going to grab lunch or dinner or something with her before she leaves. so excited.

now i'm at home, and the kfc i decided to eat was not the best decision, but not the worst. their grilled chicken is surprisingly decent, if still excessively greasy.

life is good.

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a reply to a brooding optimist

Sunday, July 12, 2009 by jasmine

ridiculous.

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i like it rough

Saturday, July 11, 2009 by jasmine

saturday mornings should be resplendent with the promise of a splendiferous day - especially a morning like this, when it is sunny but not excessively so. i should be looking forward to something. a shopping trip, a frolic around some random neighborhood downtown, a lovely conversation...alas, none of those await me. i'm flashing back to something i wrote the first night i got here where i said i was scared i wouldn't make any friends and be one of those people who's like, "i peaked in college, yo" and that definitely turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. it's a bummer, to say the least, but i'm hoping there's joy after this pain, and the damage will be minimal.

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drowned out by britney

Friday, July 10, 2009 by jasmine

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take me on the floor

Thursday, July 09, 2009 by jasmine

work was weak. though at least i've found myself feeling more comfortable there, at least. i still dread it, but at least it's familiar.

then i went to a rooftop bar. the bouncer examined my id for way too long. that picture is old and all, but i don't look that drastically different. the roof was crowded and that is really not a good place to go solo. i kept playing with my phone and looking around like i was waiting for someone, even though i totally wasn't. oh, life in the fast lane. however, the strawberry stoli/sprite and the strawberry beer were delicious. i'm still not a beer person, but i've found that i do enjoy the fruity ones.

while i was at the metro station after hitting the bar, some older gremlin tried to holler. i told him i have a boyfriend, and he asked me if i was in love with him. what a trife, sketchy question. ummm...no, i'm not in love with him, so i'd be more than willing to engage in infidelity with your nasty, unattractive face. please. you look so dumb right now.

i've noticed that when i drink here, i get extremely hot and flushed. highly unusual. that did not happen in arizona at all. it's unpleasant.

walked by a clothing store named "shake your booty." i must go there when i have disposable income. it looked awesome.

song du jour: "houstatlantavegas" (remix) by jojo. originally a drake song, jojo killed it with this slightly abbreviated cover. she really needs to release some new original material, even though i adore her reinterpretations of songs originally done by dudes.

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weaker than

by jasmine

i think it's truly janky that i can't associate both of my gmails with this blog. google, stop trying to make things more inconvenient than necessary. and i'm going to need them to stop trying to infiltrate all aspects of technology. they're planning on releasing an operating system next year...like, can you at least get google chrome to be on par with firefox first?

today (er, i guess yesterday at this point) i saw john mccain speak. he's not that charismatic. in this era of barack obama, all politicians needs to step their game up. there were a couple hundred self-important interns and young professionals crammed into that room for the opportunity to share space with him. i arrived about a half an hour before he spoke, which means i had to endure half an hour of fidgeting alone while almost everyone else was with their friends. story of my life here. so frustrating. but anyway, mccain proceeded to speak in rhetoric and basically only rhetoric the entire time. "america supports democracy", "the united states has a tradition of all citizens being equal and we support other nations with these values" (OH, REALLY?) and so on and so forth. i find myself becoming increasingly more disgusted with politics. it still enchants and fascinates me like no other, but i don't feel optimistic or inspired by many elected leaders. i seriously didn't think working in a congressional office would harden me, but i really see so many problems with american democracy. alas, i can't really discuss them on the internet at this juncture. it's all fodder for the eventual memoir though.

it just occurred to me that music is my best friend, and i don't talk about it much any more, so i'm going to start doing a song of the day. today's is "all of this" by kpm music. i heard it in a gossip girl promo in, like, 2007, and i had completely forgotten about it until this morning.

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eh eh (nothing else i can say)

Tuesday, July 07, 2009 by jasmine

i'm blogging at work.

i feel so clandestine and shady, but it's not like i'm pulling a jessica cutler and writing about my sexploits on congressional computers.

anyway, i feel like i've been rather remiss in my blogging. i mean, every day ends up being some sort of an adventure, but i never think to regularly write things down. today has been pretty dull, but yesterday was a series of incredibly embarrassing events, from taking a tumble while getting off the bus to taking another tumble when getting off at the transfer stop at the metro and just being an overall hot mess, because i couldn't get over the initial bus stumble. and then there were the many, many, many days in which i left work wanting to slit my wrists after various incidents, but of course i've forgotten them. that's probably why i didn't write them down, because i've taken to avoiding confronting all things negative.

but it leads to a lot of missing pieces in the puzzle known as my life, because i essentially feel like if there was no tangible documentation, then it didn't happen. so, i'm going to make a committment to blog daily. maybe not substantial entries, but whose life is always substantial?

i just led a tour. that is one of the least favorite aspects of this internship. i only give one or two tours a week, but i dread them. i've found that if there are more than two people in the group, then i'm just completely ineffective. i don't have a voice that carries, and i always get really self-conscious about that, so i'm not quite as informative as i should be, and then i feel like the constituents aren't satisfied. idk, idk. i'm working on it, but the learning curve is hecka steep.

speaking of work, i continue to be the black sheep intern. even the new guy who has only been here for two weeks (compared to my, like, 7) fits in much better than i do. maybe it's because i don't care to talk about constituent mail as much as they do. whatever, taking it to another level. but overall, i do feel a lot better in general about going to work. it is what it is, and i can deal. and it helps that i downgraded myself from 45 to 27 hours a week, leaving me more than enough time to eventually get a side hustle, which i will hopefully acquire this week. knock on wood. because i am slowly but steadily putting myself into more and more debt, and it is not at all, even a little bit cute.

though there's no shortage of cute in my life, at least in regards to dudes. i mean, the guys who actaully approach me are never that cute (the most recent fellow looked like akon...enough said), but i'm forever spotting attractive guys, including one who looks like paul walker.

i'm pretty sure making eye contact with him will be the highlight of my week. seventh grade status!

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misery business

Sunday, June 28, 2009 by jasmine

sunday has become my least favorite day of the week. i spend sundays in nervous, anxious, nausea-inducing anticipation of what is sure to be another series of mundane, mind-numbing, self-esteem shattering hours at work/in life.

basically, in terms of "commit or die", i'm straight up perishing.

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you know i'm no good

Sunday, June 21, 2009 by jasmine

"maybe your life is boring because of you."

i am too transparent.

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maybe if i write something honest

Saturday, June 20, 2009 by jasmine

maybe if i write something beautiful, i can make someone fall in love with me.

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i'm like the ringleader, i call the shots

Tuesday, June 02, 2009 by jasmine

i was on pause, but i'm about to press play.

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set phasers to stun

Thursday, May 28, 2009 by jasmine

after two days at my internship, i have determined that this job, as crucial as it is, being that it functioned as my way to not only escape from witch mountain, but also provides me with invaluable professional experience, will also be a trial of my character. it is unpaid. which is quite unfortunate for someone like me, who is obsessed with shopping, has an affinity for eating at restaurants that do not have a dollar menu, and enjoys going to movies. by taking this position, i willingly sacrificed things that sustain me. i'm embracing an ascetic lifestyle. i sleep on an air mattress. there's no furniture in my room. i don't have any dishes. out of financial burden, i have taken on a pretty minimalist, somewhat ascetic lifestyle. all i've eaten in the last few days is fast food. at this juncture, all of this is fine, but i'm wondering if it will still be fine in a few weeks. at this point, i still have a little surplus, which will allow me to at least be able to enjoy this seemingly awesome, but hecka pricey metropolis for a little while. but eventually, if i don't find a job that i will be inspired to go to at night/weekends, then i'm, for almost all intents and purposes, screwed.

this is the perfect post-graduation summer. if i survive this, i'm going to have boundless confidence. it will be a time that i will be able to look back on when i'm not contemplating selling various organs with humbling pride.

also. i really, really, really need to make friends. my fellow interns seem nice enough, but they're not exactly the kind of people i want to frolic with in my free time. the friend i'm living with is cool, but we're sort of in different places in our lives. so it's a little bit uncomfortable spending more than a few minutes with her at any given moment. i've never been good at cultivating friendships, and it's a billion times harder when the pool of potential friendlies is a lot smaller.

however, despite my concerns, despite my days that drag on for several eternities i am still optimistic, and i think everything will work itself out. i'll get numb to the tediousness, i'll make friends, i'll make that money. but even if it doesn't, even if everything falls apart and i crumble along with it, i can put myself together again. no big. wouldn't be the first time.

it's very weird to feel emotional these days. it's not as fulfilling as it once was. oh, no, don't tell me i'm growing up.

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gucci bandana, gucci gucci bandana

Monday, May 25, 2009 by jasmine

i am entirely too old to be enjoying soulja boy songs. but, "turn on my swag" and "gucci bandana" are two of my jams. regression. my 19 year old self had the sense to at least be ashamed of occasionally cranking that soulja boy, but 21 year old jasmine is all shamelessly "gucci bandana, gucci gucci bandana."

anyway.

i am in college park, maryland. collipark, bubba sparxx. no, jk. i had the longest day. airports are too stressful. the whole atmosphere is tense and uncomfortable. while i love to be in new and different places, the process of getting there is atrocious. it tends to bring out the worst in people. i must say, though, i'm really proud of myself for being able to maintain my composure while my father was in complete wanker mode. god, he was so unpleasant, but i've reached a place of zen where i no longer take it personally. when we finally got to d.c., we got mad lost looking for his hotel. that hotel, by the way, is tripping. 10 dollars a day for wi-fi? trifeeee. my friend s met us there, and she took us to the abode where i will be residing for at least the next three months. it is too cute. it's a really quaint, cozy but spacious house, in a nice neighborhood. i'm excited to decorate my room, and hopefully will quickly be able to upgrade from this air mattress to a cute little trundle bed.

there is this little diner nearby that has really great food. however, the service sucks so hardcore. not gonna lie, the staff is really black, and god, not to say that flakiness/inefficiency is relegated to black people (please, i've lived in too many vanilla burbs to believe that). nevertheless, there is something about when a lot of black people are concentrated in one place that often leads to an increased probability of ish not getting done. seriously, the second time my friend and i went there to get ice cream before midnight, it took HALF AN HOUR to get our ish. and it was far from busy. it does not take that long to make a sundae and a root beer float. not cute.

oh, i also experienced the metro. a tad overwhelming. i have to keep reminding myself that millions of people navigate subways daily, so it is not impossible to conquer. but it will definitely be a couple of weeks before i start doing any legit exploring.


i saw where i work though. i am, like, a mile away from the white house! obeezy and i are going to be besties in no time. and i'm pretty close to, like, some branch of the fbi, the department of justice, the federal reserve, and other things that only a total political nerd would find exciting. squee! so stoked. so so stoked.

can't wait until i can take hecka, hecka photos.

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it's like that

Friday, May 22, 2009 by jasmine

i am such an inferior blogger. inferior to who? i'm going to estimate about 90 percent of the population. maybe i'm just being way harsh toward myself, but i really question the quality of my writing, especially my "creative" writing (yes, i consider non-fictional blogging to be creative). i think it's because i always stop and dismiss myself before i delve to deeply into any given subject. i either need to go balls to the walls, or fully commit to skimming the surface.

i think reading all 80 pages of sex and the ivy over the course of two days has led to this revelation. lena chen is brilliant. her articulation is inspired, hilarious, poignant, and intellectual. i strive to be a quarter as awesome as she is.

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jaws theme swimming

by jasmine

[3:01:12 PM] Me: dear god.
[3:01:16 PM] Me: i am terrified.
[3:01:57 PM] K: how so?
[3:02:31 PM] Me: in two days, i will be in completely unfamiliar territory. and two days after that, people are going to have professional expectations of me.
[3:02:38 PM] Me: i can't function under such circumstances.
[3:02:47 PM] K: commit or die
[3:02:50 PM] K: and I'd rather you didn't die
[3:03:46 PM] Me: right.
[3:04:01 PM] K: i guess you'll just have to see how it goes
[3:04:08 PM] K: it could be intense for sure though
[3:04:19 PM] Me: well, if nothing else, sky scrapers are a train ride away
[3:04:30 PM] K: convenient

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cherry cherry boom boom

Tuesday, May 19, 2009 by jasmine

i cannot believe i'm going to be living in silver spring, maryland in less than a week. i'm going to be taking the subway to work every day. i'm going to be wearing suits and heels and trying to network and impress people and make my way in the world. i'm going to be within "day trip" distance of new york and boston. every choice that i make or do not make will have legitimate consequences for my life. i'm going to have to make new friends. i'm going to be encountering the kinds of people i've never encountered before. i'm going to be in the midst of hardcore political activism.

this is the kind of life i've always imagined. it's all coming together incredibly well. too well, actually. i mean, okay, so my father is going to be flying out there with me. but he will be gone next thursday. then i'm liberated.

i'm either going to flounder or soar. this is when "commit or die", my phrase of choice lately, will actually mean something. that is the scariest, but most exhilirating realization i've ever reached.

i'm extremely ill-prepared for this.

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it's been a long time

Sunday, May 10, 2009 by jasmine

i shouldn't have left you.

without a dope beat to step to.


haha. so...a couple of things have popped off since april 15.

i am, for almost all and intents and purposes, an alumna of northern arizona university. yea-errr.

the "almost" is in there because...

I GOT AN INTERNSHIP IN WASHINGTON DC.

and in order to get scholarship money, i'm going to have to delay the posting of my degree so i can get credit for this internship.

my first day of being a ~congressional intern~ will most likely be may 26. which means i'll be in DC no later than the 24 (which is seriously worst case scenario. i'm probably going to be there on the 21st) . so, basically, i'm going to be escaping from arizona a mere two weeks after graduation!

i had no idea i would be able to do that. but i am too stoked. i had fears of being one of those "lame duck" graduates, who just chills at home for an indefinite amount of time, not really doing anything of consequence, but not ready to bounce out into the real world.

wow. i guess it's true that if you can dream it, you can achieve it.

it's too perfect. i'm terrified.

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from my heart to yours

Thursday, April 16, 2009 by jasmine

Yesterday, a complete stranger told me "I've seen you around campus, and for some reason, I knew you were special."

The enormity of this statement did not hit me until just a few seconds ago. Those are amazingly kind words. It's rare to hear amazingly kind words in this day and age.

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circus

Sunday, April 12, 2009 by jasmine

This is completely ridiculous, but I'm listening to Britney's "Circus" right now, and for the first time ever, I relate to this song less on the "observer" level and more on the "ringleader" level.

Because I'm crazy.

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thirsty

Friday, April 10, 2009 by jasmine

Throughout most of college, I relied on certain vices to bring me relief or comfort. Recently, most of those have become stale and inactive. I'm in a transition phase, and I hope that by the end of it, I'm going to be satisfied.

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i'm just doing what i do

Sunday, March 29, 2009 by jasmine

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not be so introspective. It's a trait that has caused me entirely too much...grief, but at the same time, I think I would probably be a much less evolved person because of it. But then I wonder if some of my deficiencies would be non-existent if I wasn't so interested in myself.

I don't know. Whatever, over it. It's technically still Saturday night, so I'm going to party by obsessing over Britney....god, I would really be an empty shell of a person if I didn't idolize Brit-Brit. I am forever astounded by my lameness.

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meet me at the club

Sunday, March 22, 2009 by jasmine

My first name is not "baby." It's Jasmine - Trina, if you're nasty.

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stimulate my heart, surrender my mind

Saturday, March 21, 2009 by jasmine

I want to make a concerted effort to turn the rest of this semester around. I refuse to end my undergraduate era on a bum note. I'm going to commit or die in all aspects of my life. I'm going to stop being intimidated. I'm going to be myself and not let other people's perceptions warp how I choose to act. I'm going to be doing me, myself, and I, and it's going to be ridiculously wonderful. It's time to make it hot.

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the end of the world should be a good one

Monday, March 16, 2009 by jasmine

The last several months have been incredibly rough for me. Times of intense highs and nearly catastrophic lows. Now I'm finally re-stabilizing. I'm returning to the old me, but with much more wisdom. My priorities are straightened, I'm much more in control of my emotions (for the most part) and I'm considering the last...10 months a really stupid but necessary detour on the road toward self-actualization. I'm even to the point where I am willing to forgive the catalyst for this downward spiral, because really, it was no one's fault but my own that I chose to engage in certain activities that did not fit in with who I was/am.

Maturity is an interesting experience. I think I like it.

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i'm a good girl, but i can be bad

Saturday, March 14, 2009 by jasmine

no more being a low budget b-word.

like...really, being unconstructively snarky about other people is in no way fulfilling and does not assist in me becoming a ferosher me.

i'm committed to "love it or leave it alone."

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pictures of my derriere in the magazines

Sunday, March 08, 2009 by jasmine

I went out last night. It was, perhaps, half as much fun as my last outing. Which means I feel half as much...cringe-y today. However...never have I ever had so many dudes try to holla. Tis a perk of being the ONLY person in a room with more than a modicum of rhythm. I mean, seriously, the scene was pretty wack. There were a whole lot of bottom-feeders in the spot - a pretty accurate picture of Flagstaff, let's be real. Also, more than half an hour of techno is truly unnecessary. But, I don't know, it was kind of entertaining and more interesting than another night alone, if nothing else.

Also...new favorite youtube clip:



Oh, Britney, don't hurt 'em!!!

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tip of my tongue

by jasmine

"Maybe we all live life at too high of a pitch. those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence, we can never feel merely content; we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically head-over-heels happy."
- Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

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full of beautiful mistakes

Thursday, March 05, 2009 by jasmine

There is nothing like a prolonged period of absurdity to make someone feel hecka weaker than is acceptable.

From what I hear.

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pardon me

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 by jasmine

I kind of hate every single person in my daily life right now. No big.

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make traffic stop when you pop

Monday, March 02, 2009 by jasmine

I'm one of those abominable college kids who only goes out once in a blue moon. I can count the number of times I've hit the club/bars using only both my hands. I like going out in theory - you know, it's an opportunity to get slightly wild and invoke my inner Beyonce and be a little uninhibited for once. But in all actuality, I either don't feel comfortable unleashing Jasmine Fierce or if I do, I always end up questioning myself and my integrity and values. Which is so completely over-the-top and absurd, because I never do anything so outrageous or naughty or anything. I mean...if dropping it like Trina at the bar is the most ridic thing I can come with, then I think my virtue is still intact. Yet I always end up feeling really unsettled and even more uncomfortable than usual. I'm cracked - ie, totally alienated from certain aspects of my personality that maybe I should just embrace. Or something. Idk, idk.

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Like...is it really too much to ask to be able to do that without feeling atrocious?

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not playing the broken-hearted girl

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 by jasmine

This semester is eerily reminiscent of the first semester of my freshman year. Same kind of inconsistent friendships, same amount of academic credits, same feeling of disconnect from the rest of the world.

Sigh. This is the most boring, plebeian, tedious, mundane senior year ever. How fitting. You reap what you sow, I guess, and I'm most certainly not one for farming.

Can I just do this? For the rest of my life?

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do it til the windows break

Monday, February 23, 2009 by jasmine

Lately, it seems that every time I engage in conversation with someone, there's always a moment where they either ignore me or look at me with a blank stare. I feel alien.

Whatevski, I'm on another level, no passengers on my plane.


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turning up this song for freedom

Sunday, February 15, 2009 by jasmine

So I thought I would be distraught about the situation I wrote about in my last entry for, like, hecka months. But no, I'm OFFICIALLY OVER IT. Sometimes I wonder where my strength and resilience comes from, but then I'm like, "whatever, at least I have it." I feel soooo liberated and happy and stoked and...idk, for the first time since last summer, I'm not at all worried about dudes. I thought I had reached this point sometime last semester, but I definitely had not. Saying it doesn't make it true, but feeling it does.

Heck yes!

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too slow to love, too quick to hate

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 by jasmine

I'm very judgmental. It is what it is. Basically, I expect people to be completely wack. I look for any and every reason to criticize them, and they basically have to earn points in order for me to like/respect them. I don't know if that's a good way to go through life or not, but quite honestly, I don't care. I've done it the opposite way. I've immediately "fallen" for people (not romantically, but you know) and then they end up being completely mediocre jerkoffs and I'm left feeling...well, completely unfierce and unfabu and overall disgusting. With this system of being cynical, I thought I had constructed a really good filter for rejecting riffraff. But nothing is perfect, clearly.

Last night, I found out I was complicit in someone's shady antics. I kind of suspected this person wasn't on the up and up, but I ignored it, because I had thought this person was fairly legit. But homie is not. I fell asleep nauseated and woke up with knots in my tummy, and I just feel so...guilty, atrocious, and morally reprehensible. I'm not terribly familiar with guilt, and I would really rather not be ever again. Even though I technically didn't do anything wrong, I severely regret not listening to my intuition. I swear, is it that hard to not be a sucky, shady, sketchball person? I didn't think it was, because I've never had to struggle with it, but I am really not impressed with those who do.


Whatevski, whatevski.
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sometimes i want to drop a tear, but no emotion from a queen

Wednesday, February 04, 2009 by jasmine

"What's wrong? Are you okay? Tell me what's wrong? Something's wrong, please tell me what it is."

No. I wish some people understood that not everyone wants to share their problems with others. People have different ways of processing and dealing with various whatevers, and I wish that others understood that and fell back accordingly. Not that I don't appreciate their concern, but...I don't need it. Especially when there's actually nothing wrong.


Also, I wish people would master the miniskirt/boots combo, because most people are not rocking it well.


Finally, I'm addicted to Tumblr. Oh my lord, way too many online activities....between reading blogs, writing blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and now Tumblr...ugh. Excessive. But so fun.

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looking in

Tuesday, January 20, 2009 by jasmine

I was a little different
Didn't do what the fast girls do
Studied my rhythm

Oh, Solange and her pertinent lyrics. Though I don't know who she was talking about, because it certainly was not her. You don't get knocked up at 17 by merely "studying" rhythm.

This year is not starting off so well. My bipolarity is acting up again. Oh, I guess it can't be bipolarity if there are no highs involved, right? Time continues to tick and I continue to wane. School is underwhelming. I'm only taking four classes, and none of them seem mindblowingly amazing. I don't really know why that phrase is in my vocabulary still, because I haven't experienced anything I could describe that way in quite some time. `The other day, I had a near-death experience in a car, and when I shrieked like the little punk that I am, and it was, to be perfectly cheeseball, one of those moments that I later described as "making me feel alive." Sometimes I question it. I mean, obviously, I'm alive. I do what I need to do in order to make it appear that I am a somewhat normal, totally functioning member of society. I go to class, I do homework, I work (and jock other people's shifts), and I am not dead enough inside to not be amused by funny people. Also, I shop. So obviously, my situation isn't that horrible. But it kind of is. I wish I could articulate it, but actually, I don't, because I don't need to reveal super intimate emotional details on the internet. Whatevski.

***

I wrote the above portion of this blog yesterday. Today was the inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama and I guess that was another one of those "I'm really grateful to be alive" days. Unfortunately, I missed watching his moment live (why I didn't ditch class, I don't know), but when I went to work, and every TV was tuned to inauguration coverage, I just felt so...elated. I'm so excited to be able to witness the political future of this country. Excited as opposed to terrified. What an interesting concept. The high is quickly fading though, and I'm kind of crashing. Gah, so emo. Not cool, emotions can only slow you down.

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broken but not shattered

Thursday, January 15, 2009 by jasmine

This has been one of those weeks that would have driven a weaker woman to stick her head into an oven.

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