looking in
Tuesday, January 20, 2009 by jasmine
I was a little different
Didn't do what the fast girls do
Studied my rhythm
Oh, Solange and her pertinent lyrics. Though I don't know who she was talking about, because it certainly was not her. You don't get knocked up at 17 by merely "studying" rhythm.
This year is not starting off so well. My bipolarity is acting up again. Oh, I guess it can't be bipolarity if there are no highs involved, right? Time continues to tick and I continue to wane. School is underwhelming. I'm only taking four classes, and none of them seem mindblowingly amazing. I don't really know why that phrase is in my vocabulary still, because I haven't experienced anything I could describe that way in quite some time. `The other day, I had a near-death experience in a car, and when I shrieked like the little punk that I am, and it was, to be perfectly cheeseball, one of those moments that I later described as "making me feel alive." Sometimes I question it. I mean, obviously, I'm alive. I do what I need to do in order to make it appear that I am a somewhat normal, totally functioning member of society. I go to class, I do homework, I work (and jock other people's shifts), and I am not dead enough inside to not be amused by funny people. Also, I shop. So obviously, my situation isn't that horrible. But it kind of is. I wish I could articulate it, but actually, I don't, because I don't need to reveal super intimate emotional details on the internet. Whatevski.
***
I wrote the above portion of this blog yesterday. Today was the inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama and I guess that was another one of those "I'm really grateful to be alive" days. Unfortunately, I missed watching his moment live (why I didn't ditch class, I don't know), but when I went to work, and every TV was tuned to inauguration coverage, I just felt so...elated. I'm so excited to be able to witness the political future of this country. Excited as opposed to terrified. What an interesting concept. The high is quickly fading though, and I'm kind of crashing. Gah, so emo. Not cool, emotions can only slow you down.
Didn't do what the fast girls do
Studied my rhythm
Oh, Solange and her pertinent lyrics. Though I don't know who she was talking about, because it certainly was not her. You don't get knocked up at 17 by merely "studying" rhythm.
This year is not starting off so well. My bipolarity is acting up again. Oh, I guess it can't be bipolarity if there are no highs involved, right? Time continues to tick and I continue to wane. School is underwhelming. I'm only taking four classes, and none of them seem mindblowingly amazing. I don't really know why that phrase is in my vocabulary still, because I haven't experienced anything I could describe that way in quite some time. `The other day, I had a near-death experience in a car, and when I shrieked like the little punk that I am, and it was, to be perfectly cheeseball, one of those moments that I later described as "making me feel alive." Sometimes I question it. I mean, obviously, I'm alive. I do what I need to do in order to make it appear that I am a somewhat normal, totally functioning member of society. I go to class, I do homework, I work (and jock other people's shifts), and I am not dead enough inside to not be amused by funny people. Also, I shop. So obviously, my situation isn't that horrible. But it kind of is. I wish I could articulate it, but actually, I don't, because I don't need to reveal super intimate emotional details on the internet. Whatevski.
***
I wrote the above portion of this blog yesterday. Today was the inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama and I guess that was another one of those "I'm really grateful to be alive" days. Unfortunately, I missed watching his moment live (why I didn't ditch class, I don't know), but when I went to work, and every TV was tuned to inauguration coverage, I just felt so...elated. I'm so excited to be able to witness the political future of this country. Excited as opposed to terrified. What an interesting concept. The high is quickly fading though, and I'm kind of crashing. Gah, so emo. Not cool, emotions can only slow you down.
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The fact that you're able to go through the motions even when you don't feel it is only proof of your inner strength <3