i'll never be picture perfect beyonce

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not be so introspective. It's a trait that has caused me entirely too much...grief, but at the same time, I think I would probably be a much less evolved person because of it. But then I wonder if some of my deficiencies would be non-existent if I wasn't so interested in myself.

I don't know. Whatever, over it. It's technically still Saturday night, so I'm going to party by obsessing over Britney....god, I would really be an empty shell of a person if I didn't idolize Brit-Brit. I am forever astounded by my lameness.

My first name is not "baby." It's Jasmine - Trina, if you're nasty.

I want to make a concerted effort to turn the rest of this semester around. I refuse to end my undergraduate era on a bum note. I'm going to commit or die in all aspects of my life. I'm going to stop being intimidated. I'm going to be myself and not let other people's perceptions warp how I choose to act. I'm going to be doing me, myself, and I, and it's going to be ridiculously wonderful. It's time to make it hot.

The last several months have been incredibly rough for me. Times of intense highs and nearly catastrophic lows. Now I'm finally re-stabilizing. I'm returning to the old me, but with much more wisdom. My priorities are straightened, I'm much more in control of my emotions (for the most part) and I'm considering the last...10 months a really stupid but necessary detour on the road toward self-actualization. I'm even to the point where I am willing to forgive the catalyst for this downward spiral, because really, it was no one's fault but my own that I chose to engage in certain activities that did not fit in with who I was/am.

Maturity is an interesting experience. I think I like it.

no more being a low budget b-word.

like...really, being unconstructively snarky about other people is in no way fulfilling and does not assist in me becoming a ferosher me.

i'm committed to "love it or leave it alone."

I went out last night. It was, perhaps, half as much fun as my last outing. Which means I feel half as much...cringe-y today. However...never have I ever had so many dudes try to holla. Tis a perk of being the ONLY person in a room with more than a modicum of rhythm. I mean, seriously, the scene was pretty wack. There were a whole lot of bottom-feeders in the spot - a pretty accurate picture of Flagstaff, let's be real. Also, more than half an hour of techno is truly unnecessary. But, I don't know, it was kind of entertaining and more interesting than another night alone, if nothing else.

Also...new favorite youtube clip:



Oh, Britney, don't hurt 'em!!!

"Maybe we all live life at too high of a pitch. those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence, we can never feel merely content; we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically head-over-heels happy."
- Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

There is nothing like a prolonged period of absurdity to make someone feel hecka weaker than is acceptable.

From what I hear.

I kind of hate every single person in my daily life right now. No big.

I'm one of those abominable college kids who only goes out once in a blue moon. I can count the number of times I've hit the club/bars using only both my hands. I like going out in theory - you know, it's an opportunity to get slightly wild and invoke my inner Beyonce and be a little uninhibited for once. But in all actuality, I either don't feel comfortable unleashing Jasmine Fierce or if I do, I always end up questioning myself and my integrity and values. Which is so completely over-the-top and absurd, because I never do anything so outrageous or naughty or anything. I mean...if dropping it like Trina at the bar is the most ridic thing I can come with, then I think my virtue is still intact. Yet I always end up feeling really unsettled and even more uncomfortable than usual. I'm cracked - ie, totally alienated from certain aspects of my personality that maybe I should just embrace. Or something. Idk, idk.



Like...is it really too much to ask to be able to do that without feeling atrocious?