you look so dumb right now
Thursday, December 03, 2009 by jasmine
i'm sensitive. when i'm hurt, i'm deeply hurt. i've gotten increasingly better at hiding it, glossing over it with humor and perkiness and engrossing myself in everyone else's lives to distract myself. sometimes i slip and crack, and emo jasmine is on display, and then people don't know how to talk to me, which i understand, but it still upsets me. but i shut it down, and turn on the charm again. because being sad is not cool. it's not cute. it's for emo losers. and i mean, "jasmine fierce" is supposed to present herself as FIERCE. she wears ridiculous hair accessories and heels even when it's snowing and goes camping in dresses and looks down on unstylish weirdos and worships beyonce and is kind of funny and doesn't let things like emotions slow her roll. it's so hard maintaining that, because when i feel pain, i feel it so profoundly and for prolonged periods of time. it takes forever for me to let anything go and move on. the stupidest, most minute events can trigger me into a spiral of bummed-outness.
for example, today, i saw that the first virginia boy to mindscrew me added this REALLY HOT girl as a friend on facebook. gorgeous hair, nice makeup, banging body (which she was showing off in a cami and underwear). of course, i compared myself to her and came up short, for i am merely "a'ight", and that's on a good day, and that was a tad/a lot misery-inducing. so what did i do? i made a facebook status about how if i had a hot body, i'd be nudie all the time, to the detriment of any kind of personality. even though what i really wanted to do was curl up into the fetal position and bawl my eyes out, for what could have been between me and va boy, what isn't, and what i will never be (a hot, sexy, seductive woman). all of that from a simple newsfeed update.
it's probably for the best that i have some semblance of a sense of humor. because i feel like with every second i exist, i am this close to stuffing my coat with rocks and drowning myself in a river.
emotions are difficult. and all the hot girls in the world? i love you, but you hurt my feelings with your hotness.
for example, today, i saw that the first virginia boy to mindscrew me added this REALLY HOT girl as a friend on facebook. gorgeous hair, nice makeup, banging body (which she was showing off in a cami and underwear). of course, i compared myself to her and came up short, for i am merely "a'ight", and that's on a good day, and that was a tad/a lot misery-inducing. so what did i do? i made a facebook status about how if i had a hot body, i'd be nudie all the time, to the detriment of any kind of personality. even though what i really wanted to do was curl up into the fetal position and bawl my eyes out, for what could have been between me and va boy, what isn't, and what i will never be (a hot, sexy, seductive woman). all of that from a simple newsfeed update.
it's probably for the best that i have some semblance of a sense of humor. because i feel like with every second i exist, i am this close to stuffing my coat with rocks and drowning myself in a river.
emotions are difficult. and all the hot girls in the world? i love you, but you hurt my feelings with your hotness.
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