i'll never be picture perfect beyonce

this is part two (part one) of what will eventually lead to a legit revelation...one that millions of women have made before me, and millions will make af"ter me, but you know, i like to be self-indulgent sometimes.


so after that fateful night, i fell into a downward spiral. i was miserable, lonely, distracted, distraught, upset, and even a little bit heartbroken. when i engage intimately with someone, i feel like i'm giving up a little bit of myself. i feel vulnerable. so to give a little bit of myself to this guy, and to have him reject it for not being enough, was extremely painful. at the time, i considered this to be such a cowardly way to approach things. i thought it meant that i was childish and immature. i thought i was dumb for feeling that way. so i tried to ignore it. three weeks after i was sexually violated, i encountered this guy i was acquainted with at a bar. he was cute and funny, and we started making out. blah blah, i went home with him. we were both solidly intoxicated, but we didn't have sex, and the afternoon after was beyond awkward, and unfortunately, i'm pretty unskilled in the art of gracefully extricating one's self from undesirable social situations. so, pretty much, i waited for him to be like, "peace out."

i felt disgusting, worthless, nasty, etc. this rendezvous stung especially hard, because we had a conversation once wherein he said he doesn't do one night stands because he's too controlled for it, and the one time he did have one, he felt gross. so you know it feels really awesome when someone breaks that rule for you. like, great, i'm good enough for you to paw on the metro, but not good enough to watch a movie with the day after. fabulous. two days later, i sent him an innocous text that was like, "LET'S MAKE THIS LESS AWKWARD AND TRY TO RECOVER SOME VESTIGE OF OUR ACQUAINTANCESHIP." and he was pretty much, "OKAY...HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING. YOU'RE A COOTIE-RIDDEN WHORESLUT." and then i once again plunged into despair. i was just confused. both of those boys constantly told me repeatedly that i'm cool/awesome/funny/amazing/beautiful blah blah, lies. and i'm more naive than i like to think i am. sometimes i forget that some people don't put as much stock in their words as i do. so i allowed myself to be lulled into a sense of false complacency, and then got screwed over.

and i thought it was totally my fault. when in reality, it really wasn't. when someone is an asshole, that is completely on their own volition. just because those dudes didn't value me as a person doesn't mean that i'm not valuable as a person. i am. i deserve to be respected and loved. i am human, and i may not be perfect in any sphere, but i don't hurt others, and in return, i deserve that same courtesy. and it's okay that if i get with someone, i WANT THEM TO HAVE A MODICUM OF LIKE FOR ME. it doesn't have to lead into the most epic relationship of all time, but i need to not be treated like trash either. and yes, this desire is enhanced around people who have stuck their tongues down my throat. and i think that is completely reasonable and acceptable.

right. yeah.

catharsis rant over.

this is part one of what will eventually lead to a legit revelation...one that millions of women have made before me, and millions will make after me, but you know, i like to be self-indulgent sometimes.

my life is still beyond stagnant at this moment. the world keeps spinning, but i remain in the exact same place. so i spend a lot of time living in the past. particularly one night. august 17, 2009. what had started as an innocuous acquaintanceship quickly escalated to him being the first person i contacted when i woke up and the last person i talked to before resting my head. it was splendid. then he offered to cook me dinner one night, and of course, i accepted. it was lovely, he was lovely, i was swooning, he was cute, and he thought i was cute, it was so totally gooey and lovely, etc.

we started watching lindsay lohan's straight-to-tv offering, "labor pains." the chemistry was tangible and distracting, so we indulged. i specifically laid out one very clear boundary ("we are not having sex"). he agreed...but then tried to cross it. i understood why it was difficult, so i did everything i could to make sure he was having as much fun as possible while still keeping that boundary in place. and he couldn't respect it. he explicitly violated it, and then proceeded to be frigid after i disengaged. it was exceptionally late by this point, and i was confused, anxious, but also exhausted, so we fell asleep cuddling. except i couldn't stop shaking. and that made him nervous/agitated. like it was all my fault that any comfort i had around him was completely shattered and my body was responding accordingly. i was scared. when we woke up a few hours later, he tried to get frisky again, and i completely shut him down. we went our separate ways and a few hours lated, he texted me about how freaked out he was, and how he was unsure if he was still interested. and i completely took the blame for the situation on myself. i apologized to him for being inconsiderate. but he was very clearly conflicted about wanting to even talk to me ever again.

and IT STUNG. oh, how it stung. the very first person i told this tale to received a very sanitized version of the story that completely absolved the boy of any responsibility. and all she offered was hollow advice that actually ended up making me feel worse. on the metro ride home, i listened to jordin sparks all the way. um, yes, that's how in pathetic a state i was.

the second person i told received a more complete version of the situation, but still one that didn't properly put on blast what a douchemonster he was. and she was a lot more supportive of me as an individual and me trying to reconcile with him. sigh. so i sent him a couple of innocuous texts that same day, to no response. which obviously should have provoked me to put down a cease and desist order on that entire situation. but of course i didn't. two days later, i sent him one final text with the message of, "YOU SHOULD LIKE ME BECAUSE YOU'RE AWESOME AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS AWESOME BEFORE I DECIDED NOT TO GIVE YOU NOOKIE." and of course, he didn't answer that one. so i began to heal...though healing is supremely difficult when he's a facebook friend, and you're a stalker, and you're especially fond of stalking dudes who don't like you. and i will admit, to this day, i continue to look at his profile, his photos, and compare myself to the girls he is friends with.

i know. i am so weak. but at least i recognize that he sucks. and really, the reason i continue to be mildly fixated on him is because i always need a dude to creep obnoxiously on.

that was some serious word vomit. but it's the first time i've ever described such a crucial night in my life in excruciating detail.

part 2 to come soon.