i'll never be picture perfect beyonce

leaping from this cliff in my thoughts, i fly like the stones in my heart

2010-03-05T03:46:00.001-05:00

"baggage."

i don't understand the stigma surrounding it. like...people are supposed to live, right? we're supposed to be engaged and experiment with all of the fruit that life gives us, dangles in front of us, and behind us, and above us, and below us. and some of this fruit is, ~~mostly~~ sometimes poisonous. and, yet, after ingesting some tainted, cyanide-laced, arsenic-dipped fruit, we're supposed to remain as pure as we were when we came into this world?

for seriously? no.

if you've had to endure betrayal by friends, you might actually start to be kind of skeptical about allowing people to infiltrate your bubble.

if someone went to bed madly in love with you on tuesday night, then woke up wednesday and decided they were over it, um...yeah, i think it's perfectly legit to be a little bit scared of romance and its implications.

if you went sky-diving, and the parachute didn't open, and the back-up one didn't either, and you plunged into the earth and broke every single bone and tore every ligament in your body, maybe you're going to be really committed to ensuring your feet are always on the ground.

basically, i guess i don't understand why it's not okay to be a little bit traumatized. i understand that being a basketcase isn't cute, and no one wants to be around that, but experiences have consequences. some are positive, and some aren't, and both deserve to be respected.

xoxo,
a neurotic's attempt to justify her neuroses

emotional disturbia leads to some emotional breaking dishes

2010-03-03T14:40:00.003-05:00

i'm trying to remember that we are in a recession.

that there are millions and millions of other individuals who are also unemployed.

that i am not unemployed because this is natural selection's way of trying to get me to peace out via a deadly combination of depression, boredom, and mild starvation (ie, not being able to buy mcdonald's fries on the daily) that will eventually lead to my death.

that in fact, i merely happened to graduate at a MOST inopportune time with a degree that is not engineering or nursing related, and henceforth, i am competing for a scare number of jobs with a not-so-scarce number of people.

but it's hard. being unemployed is hard. being a "professional recessionista" is miserable. i hate not being "productive." i hate not being able to complain about wack coworkers. i hate that i can't have a mildly inappropriate work-crush. i hate that i am perpetually broke or almost-broke. it's draining. especially when almost everyone else that you know is doing something. they have obligations. they have lives

i keep waking up at fairly ungodly hours for no. freaking. reason. like my body hasn't gotten the memo that i am jobless; therefore, i can sleep in. but no. instead, i wake up early. writhe around in bed with my laptop until for a couple of hours. shower. get dressed. go to borders for a few hours. maybe splurge on tea. feel read. use their wifi. feel extra distraught when i have to buy food/toiletries/LIFE supplies. go home. writhe around in bed more. maybe go downstairs and watch some tv. play on internet until bed.

this lifestyle? sucks. i can't help but think back to this time last year. senior year of college. only four classes, which allowed me to hustle for more hours at my not-so-bad on-job. actively engaged in a feminist organization. fun meals with fabulous friends. GOING OUT. oh my god, i miss going out so much. i miss drinking and aggressively dancing and making hos jealous and all that good stuff. i miss my friends. :/ my unemployed status coupled with the fact that i am a few years younger than the people i do socialize with = inferior status. there's always an undercurrent of me feeling less-than in every interaction i have, and that, to be oh-so-eloquent, just sucks.

trust women

2010-01-22T12:04:00.006-05:00

i've been feeling the urge to come out of blogging hibernation for awhile. i have several post drafts chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, etc. i have thoughts and sometimes i want to share them in more than 140 characters.

anyway.

today is blog for choice day, which coincides with the anniversary of roe v. wade. the theme this year is "trust women", a phrase that dr. george tiller (the abortion provider who was murdered last year outside of church) used often to defend the act of abortion. what does "trust women" mean to me, personally?

it is that allowing women to be, without being inundated with messages telling us how to dress, who to emulate, what to do with our lives.

it is listening to women.

it is acknowledging that despite institutionalized patriarchy, women regularly cultivate brilliance, through words, through actions, through existing.

it is allowing a woman to construct and control her own moral compass.

it is recognizing the innate strength that women must create in order to survive in this world.

it is realizing that a woman should be the final arbiter of what does or does not happen to/with her body.

it is about the comprehensive perception of women as equal to, not less than.

trust women. respect our choices.

so crazy, not sexy, questionably cool

2009-12-22T00:20:00.002-05:00

so, pretty much, 2009 sucked for me. maybe it's because i had such high expectations. you know, change i can believe in, graduating from college, commencing life as a non-academic adult, etc. i thought this would be the year i could forget the rest of my life had ever even happened. you know, a year of clarity, renewal, evolution, and pure, unadulterated awesomeness, and i would be able to leave behind hurt, insecurity, and other assorted weaknesses. yeah...no. if anything, everything i wanted to let go ended up being magnified by trazillions. it was essentially a year of emotional/psychological terrorism perpetrated by others, tragic choices of my own making, with some circumstantial shenanigans out of my control thrown in for good measure.

however, i did learn some ish.

*moving to a city where a lot of people have the same ambitions as you in the middle of a recession is perhaps not the smartest idea.

*making a 19 year old endure 30 seconds of awkwardness is far more offensive than beating one's girlfriend. (I'M SORRY, KANYE. I OVERREACTED. I LOVE YOU AND 808s AND HEARTBREAK IS STILL AMAZING. chris brown, you still suck. so do your new songs. and learn how to speak, you undereducated, inarticulate wanker.)

*poor people don't deserve access to quality health care.

*because of barack obama's election, racism is officially eradicated.

*it is nearly impossible to give a tour of the us capitol without getting lost.

*"dirty diana" is the most epic michael jackson song of all time. OF ALL TIME.

*the phrase "we're not having sex tonight" is apparently not as clear as one might think.

*it is possible to rock heels in snow/ice and not take a tumble.

*every time i'm home for an extended period of time, i discover a new sex-oriented blog and feel compelled to read every single entry. maybe it's because for me, phoenix is a champagne room...if you don't get that reference, we will never be legitimate friends. :/

*knocking up an infamous governor's teenage daughter somehow entitles you to fame. seriously, why do i know who levi johnston is? and why was there demand to see his penis? america, can we get some standards? he isn't even cute. well, he's cute in that taylor lautner way...which is to say, paper bag status.

*you can have a 4-year intensely public meltdown, but then repair your image/career enough to go on a worldwide sold-out arena tour (because it's britney, bitch).

*any vaguely attractive woman has a shot to hit it with tiger woods. emphasis on the "vaguely", by the way.

*you have to be your own best friend to survive. others will, intentionally or not, destroy any part of yourself that you choose to put out there for their consumption. so you have to be able to comfort yourself, empower yourself, have fun with yourself, and make yourself feel special. if you leave that up to other people..no, just don't. thank you, 2009, for constantly reinforcing this.

*3008 > 2000 and late.

yo, next decade, i'ma let you finish, but just to let you know, the '00s was pretty awesome at the whole wrecking spirits thing, so you shouldn't even try to top it. the game needs changing, so be the cashier. let this recession peace out, let this world stop resisting progress, let people be good to themselves, and good to each other. and if you could possibly obliterate the existence of uggs, twilight, and glenn beck, that would be great.

xoxo.

you look so dumb right now

2009-12-03T22:47:00.000-05:00

i'm sensitive. when i'm hurt, i'm deeply hurt. i've gotten increasingly better at hiding it, glossing over it with humor and perkiness and engrossing myself in everyone else's lives to distract myself. sometimes i slip and crack, and emo jasmine is on display, and then people don't know how to talk to me, which i understand, but it still upsets me. but i shut it down, and turn on the charm again. because being sad is not cool. it's not cute. it's for emo losers. and i mean, "jasmine fierce" is supposed to present herself as FIERCE. she wears ridiculous hair accessories and heels even when it's snowing and goes camping in dresses and looks down on unstylish weirdos and worships beyonce and is kind of funny and doesn't let things like emotions slow her roll. it's so hard maintaining that, because when i feel pain, i feel it so profoundly and for prolonged periods of time. it takes forever for me to let anything go and move on. the stupidest, most minute events can trigger me into a spiral of bummed-outness.

for example, today, i saw that the first virginia boy to mindscrew me added this REALLY HOT girl as a friend on facebook. gorgeous hair, nice makeup, banging body (which she was showing off in a cami and underwear). of course, i compared myself to her and came up short, for i am merely "a'ight", and that's on a good day, and that was a tad/a lot misery-inducing. so what did i do? i made a facebook status about how if i had a hot body, i'd be nudie all the time, to the detriment of any kind of personality. even though what i really wanted to do was curl up into the fetal position and bawl my eyes out, for what could have been between me and va boy, what isn't, and what i will never be (a hot, sexy, seductive woman). all of that from a simple newsfeed update.

it's probably for the best that i have some semblance of a sense of humor. because i feel like with every second i exist, i am this close to stuffing my coat with rocks and drowning myself in a river.

emotions are difficult. and all the hot girls in the world? i love you, but you hurt my feelings with your hotness.

my heart is the worst

2009-11-16T16:01:00.003-05:00

this is part two (part one) of what will eventually lead to a legit revelation...one that millions of women have made before me, and millions will make af"ter me, but you know, i like to be self-indulgent sometimes.

so after that fateful night, i fell into a downward spiral. i was miserable, lonely, distracted, distraught, upset, and even a little bit heartbroken. when i engage intimately with someone, i feel like i'm giving up a little bit of myself. i feel vulnerable. so to give a little bit of myself to this guy, and to have him reject it for not being enough, was extremely painful. at the time, i considered this to be such a cowardly way to approach things. i thought it meant that i was childish and immature. i thought i was dumb for feeling that way. so i tried to ignore it. three weeks after i was sexually violated, i encountered this guy i was acquainted with at a bar. he was cute and funny, and we started making out. blah blah, i went home with him. we were both solidly intoxicated, but we didn't have sex, and the afternoon after was beyond awkward, and unfortunately, i'm pretty unskilled in the art of gracefully extricating one's self from undesirable social situations. so, pretty much, i waited for him to be like, "peace out."

i felt disgusting, worthless, nasty, etc. this rendezvous stung especially hard, because we had a conversation once wherein he said he doesn't do one night stands because he's too controlled for it, and the one time he did have one, he felt gross. so you know it feels really awesome when someone breaks that rule for you. like, great, i'm good enough for you to paw on the metro, but not good enough to watch a movie with the day after. fabulous. two days later, i sent him an innocous text that was like, "LET'S MAKE THIS LESS AWKWARD AND TRY TO RECOVER SOME VESTIGE OF OUR ACQUAINTANCESHIP." and he was pretty much, "OKAY...HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING. YOU'RE A COOTIE-RIDDEN WHORESLUT." and then i once again plunged into despair. i was just confused. both of those boys constantly told me repeatedly that i'm cool/awesome/funny/amazing/beautiful blah blah, lies. and i'm more naive than i like to think i am. sometimes i forget that some people don't put as much stock in their words as i do. so i allowed myself to be lulled into a sense of false complacency, and then got screwed over.

and i thought it was totally my fault. when in reality, it really wasn't. when someone is an asshole, that is completely on their own volition. just because those dudes didn't value me as a person doesn't mean that i'm not valuable as a person. i am. i deserve to be respected and loved. i am human, and i may not be perfect in any sphere, but i don't hurt others, and in return, i deserve that same courtesy. and it's okay that if i get with someone, i WANT THEM TO HAVE A MODICUM OF LIKE FOR ME. it doesn't have to lead into the most epic relationship of all time, but i need to not be treated like trash either. and yes, this desire is enhanced around people who have stuck their tongues down my throat. and i think that is completely reasonable and acceptable.

right. yeah.

catharsis rant over.

better stop crying hello and goodbye-ing

2009-11-13T20:22:00.004-05:00

this is part one of what will eventually lead to a legit revelation...one that millions of women have made before me, and millions will make after me, but you know, i like to be self-indulgent sometimes.

my life is still beyond stagnant at this moment. the world keeps spinning, but i remain in the exact same place. so i spend a lot of time living in the past. particularly one night. august 17, 2009. what had started as an innocuous acquaintanceship quickly escalated to him being the first person i contacted when i woke up and the last person i talked to before resting my head. it was splendid. then he offered to cook me dinner one night, and of course, i accepted. it was lovely, he was lovely, i was swooning, he was cute, and he thought i was cute, it was so totally gooey and lovely, etc.

we started watching lindsay lohan's straight-to-tv offering, "labor pains." the chemistry was tangible and distracting, so we indulged. i specifically laid out one very clear boundary ("we are not having sex"). he agreed...but then tried to cross it. i understood why it was difficult, so i did everything i could to make sure he was having as much fun as possible while still keeping that boundary in place. and he couldn't respect it. he explicitly violated it, and then proceeded to be frigid after i disengaged. it was exceptionally late by this point, and i was confused, anxious, but also exhausted, so we fell asleep cuddling. except i couldn't stop shaking. and that made him nervous/agitated. like it was all my fault that any comfort i had around him was completely shattered and my body was responding accordingly. i was scared. when we woke up a few hours later, he tried to get frisky again, and i completely shut him down. we went our separate ways and a few hours lated, he texted me about how freaked out he was, and how he was unsure if he was still interested. and i completely took the blame for the situation on myself. i apologized to him for being inconsiderate. but he was very clearly conflicted about wanting to even talk to me ever again.

and IT STUNG. oh, how it stung. the very first person i told this tale to received a very sanitized version of the story that completely absolved the boy of any responsibility. and all she offered was hollow advice that actually ended up making me feel worse. on the metro ride home, i listened to jordin sparks all the way. um, yes, that's how in pathetic a state i was.

the second person i told received a more complete version of the situation, but still one that didn't properly put on blast what a douchemonster he was. and she was a lot more supportive of me as an individual and me trying to reconcile with him. sigh. so i sent him a couple of innocuous texts that same day, to no response. which obviously should have provoked me to put down a cease and desist order on that entire situation. but of course i didn't. two days later, i sent him one final text with the message of, "YOU SHOULD LIKE ME BECAUSE YOU'RE AWESOME AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS AWESOME BEFORE I DECIDED NOT TO GIVE YOU NOOKIE." and of course, he didn't answer that one. so i began to heal...though healing is supremely difficult when he's a facebook friend, and you're a stalker, and you're especially fond of stalking dudes who don't like you. and i will admit, to this day, i continue to look at his profile, his photos, and compare myself to the girls he is friends with.

i know. i am so weak. but at least i recognize that he sucks. and really, the reason i continue to be mildly fixated on him is because i always need a dude to creep obnoxiously on.

that was some serious word vomit. but it's the first time i've ever described such a crucial night in my life in excruciating detail.

part 2 to come soon.

dead and gone

2009-10-10T15:11:00.003-04:00

my blog has taken a hiatus because my life is on hiatus. i am in between employment, and on what pretty much amounts to an allowance, i do not enter the world often. it sucks. not only does it mean i'm not inspired to write, but also, it's boring. staying inside, observing other people's lives via the internet, while scintillating to a degree, is mindnumbingly retarded.

part of me wants to get on this chick's program.

at least it would mean some semblance of life.

the impossible

2009-09-25T17:36:00.003-04:00

so even though i'm cynical and refer to boys i'm attracted to as "future ex-boyfriends", i'm in love with the idea of love. to be completely candid, i don't think i will ever find it. and i'm okay with that. but i remain completely infatuated with other people's love. i love hearing expressions of love. i love reading schmoopy, vaguely obnoxious blog entries about good relationships. and i LOVE love songs. adore. my recent obsession is a track from mariah carey's memoirs of an imperfect angel

it's called "the impossible." and i'm completely obsessed (yes, i really just did that. i know. i know.)

anyway, it's fabulous.

i love you like summertime

love you like cherry wine

love you like free money, like a preacher loves sunday

love you like a freezepop

love you like a milkshake

love you like a high school girl on a first date

love you like shooting stars

love you like a muscle car

love you like we're destined

love you like my lover and my best friend

love you like sunsets, bubble baths on the jet

love you like kool-aid, louis millionaire shades

love you like sugar daddies

love you like a holiday duncan heinz yellow cake

love you like it's 5:00 am and i want to work

love you like louis vuitton heels and a miniskirt

[some lines redacted because i can't decipher what she's saying]

so silly and ridiculous, but sincere. and i feel like if i were to fall in love, this is totally how i'd describe it.

maybe one day? maybe?

fragile and free

2009-09-24T11:18:00.004-04:00

so my internship is over. almost four months of...institutionalized awkwardness is finished. of course, even though most of my time there was miserable and mindnumbing, i don't do well with endings. so of course i spent the whole day being nostalgic...

this is the last time i will walk from the capitol south metro to [insert office building here].

this is the last time this douchey security guard will do a half-hearted wanding of me

oh my god, i'll never twirl down these hallways again when i think no one else is around.

and so on and so forth. and even though none of my coworkers will receive invites to my imaginary future wedding, i did feel a deep pang of sadness when i realized i'd never see them again. it's kind of jolting to go from seeing the same cracked people daily to not seeing them at all.

the whole finding a big-girl job thing is failing pretty hardcore. though there are a couple of promising leads. though that's what i thought a month ago and none of them panned out. sigh. recession, be gone, please. thanks.

i just want to be able to shop again. i don't think that's a lot to ask for. forever 21 is screeching for me. and so is h&m. i live for luxuries.

i am not my hair

2009-09-20T15:04:00.006-04:00

yesterday, i was introduced to the wonderful world of...

WIGS!

i never had a problem with wigs. i thought they were funky and fun. and i've always been dissatisfied with my natural hair. but the idea of rocking a wig made me nervous. i thought it would be too artificial. i didn't want to worry about answering questions about the non-realness of my hair. when i was younger, i used to wear synthetic braids, and anytime i transitioned from my natural short hair to my brandy-like braids

people (well, elementary school kids) would always be so...intrigued/disgusted. so i'd feel so self-conscious. but now, i'm finally at the point where i'm like...yo, it's my hair. and i can choose to do whatever i want with it. as tlc said,

you can buy your hair if it won't grow

so that's what i want to do. start a fucking fierce wig collection and change styles/lengths/colors and it will be awesome.

yay! i feel like i've been in a fashion rut for quite some time, so i'm excited to add some different flair/funkiness to my overall aesthetic.

if only britney had performed

2009-09-15T10:40:00.005-04:00

so i guess i should acknowledge the vmas, even if i'm far from timely at this point.

kanye west is a complete douchemonster, and his complete disrespect for taylor swift winning her first award was just pathetic and tacky. i've been pretty madly in love with him for about five years, and though i enjoy taylor swift, she's not part of my holy trifecta of awesome female pop stars. but he has engaged in just too many shenanigans, and it's like, get some class, louis vuitton don. christ. i mean, yes, beyonce is fabulous. everyone knows it. let someone else have a moment.

this made me a little bit teary. i watched it three or four times, and every. single. time. i got choked up. i don't know what it was exactly. i mean, obviously, beyonce knew it would make her look like the epitome of lovely, but at the same time, it was just such a cool display of, like, female solidarty and a queen acknowleding a new princess, blair crowning jenny fierceness. and it was awesome.

oh, by the way, i know people were underwhelmed, but i thought janet jackson KILLED IT. those 90 seconds were unadulterated passion.

and you know i was head over heels for lady gaga faking her own death in the middle of "paparazzi."

okay. and i'm done.

i leave with underrated fabulosity:

2009 MTV VMAs: Pink – Sober

i like that you like me

2009-09-13T15:54:00.002-04:00

so i really love validation from dudes. and yes, i'm very much ashamed. it doesn't matter who it's from. i love being hit on walking down the street. i like that the guys who hand out newspapers outside the metro in the morning give me a little extra attention and call me "cutie." i like when i get explicit texts/e-mails from dudes that i would never let near my friends' vaginas, let alone my own.

i'm sure it's a symptom of low self-esteem. also, because i was a fug, hot mess for almost two decades, so no guys ever thought i was worth talking to, so it gives me a little thrill when one deigns to flirt with me, regardless of the sleaze factor.

oh, whatever, it is what it is.

i am too stoked for the vmas today. i haven't been this interested since britney and justin were both virgins.

it's not me, it's you

2009-09-09T16:19:00.005-04:00

the title? my official stance on my last post. so i'm over it. dirt is officially off my my shoulder.

my dad put $60 in my account. he called this "a little bit" of money. i call this, "food for the next two-three weeks." jesus christ on a cracker, do i need a job. i am not meant to live like this. especially here. when one moves from a tiny college town to a big city, your baller status is supposed to elevate, not decline.

7 more days of interning. if i don't have a job by then....sup, lincoln memorial, i'm going to dive off you into the washington monument reflecting pool. and it will be glorious.

you don't know about a girl

2009-09-06T19:05:00.003-04:00

i should really stay away from cute, skinny boys who live in virginia. i'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office.

it's just one of those days

2009-08-31T17:48:00.002-04:00

forgot my ipod this morning.

i am going to die on the way home. i realize i didn't die on the way in, but the ipod is infinitely more crucial after work than before work. blasting whatever my jam du jour is is the equivalent of an ice cold brewski for another worn-down "professional." sigh. this is going to be the longest commute of my life, and i'm not even going to be on the orange or red lines.

sick cycle carousel

2009-08-30T20:51:00.001-04:00

13 days later and i'm still not over it.

emotional terrorism

2009-08-29T14:36:00.001-04:00

me: "i didn't know we were engaging in psychological warfare."
him: "always. you're in the united states congress."

and that would probably describe my entire internship experience.

she wolf

2009-08-23T19:33:00.001-04:00

it would be really, profoundly, spectacularly amazing if i could find a new job.

appletinis instead of meals

2009-08-09T13:37:00.002-04:00

i'm going to need people to stop calling me fat.

and i make no apologies

2009-08-05T02:12:00.002-04:00

sigh. so i haven't written every day like i had wanted. basically, it's because i've been engaging in activity that is kind of shameful, and i don't feel comfortable describing it. i've been flirting with scandal in the worst ways, and it's so out of character. but at the same time, i've felt much more stimulated these last couple of weeks than i have all summer. so i don't regret any of it at all.

and i need to find another job by august 20th. no big.

she's got a lot of nothing to say

2009-07-26T10:26:00.002-04:00

i went to starbucks with a boy on friday afternoon. it was cute. he was cute. i don't want/expect anything sparkly to come of it, but it was nice to do something social with someone other than my roommate/coworkers. god, i miss social events being a regular part of my life, and not something worth writing about.

nevertheless. yesterday, i had a legitimate breakfast for the first time in FOREVER. pancakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon. it was the definition of divine. my roommate and i met up with one of her coworkers to dine. my roommate had told me that she was "so sweet, just the sweetest girl", etc, etc, etc, and...i mean, she was totally nice, but if i never saw her again, i wouldn't be terribly distraught. i'm such a misanthrope sometimes. i just don't like very many people very much. i don't know if my standards are excessively high or if other people expect too little from people.

then my roommate and i met up with another friend to see "orphan." friday night, roomie and i had watched the trailer, and we were expecting it to be terrible, but in a hysterical way, but i legitimately enjoyed it. the characters were engaging, that little demon child esther was fierce, the plot was pretty steadily paced...leonardo dicaprio was a producer, which must be why it wasn't as bootleg as i was anticipating.

then i ended up going to bed by 9:30 last night because i was just that bored.

the roomie is going to be making mexican...or at the very least, mexican-inspired cuisine for dinner today. hayyy. but because i'm so considerate, i'm going to clean the kitchen before she gets back from church. stupid trifling boy roommates who don't know how to wash dishes.

recent favorite songs

2009-07-24T09:20:00.001-04:00

fave 5

every hello ends with a goodbye

2009-07-22T00:15:00.002-04:00

the girl i was even a week ago would look into the soul of the girl i am right now and be thoroughly unimpressed.

but maybe i'm being pre-emptively melodramatic.

this beat is sick

2009-07-20T18:35:00.004-04:00

i could totally get fired for what i was doing while working today.

oh, i love the surprises that life can bring.

drive my soul

2009-07-18T22:40:00.003-04:00

of course, homegirl gets back to me and she can't go out. quelle surprise. whatever, i just took a most amazing shower, one of those seriously cathartic showers that completely washes away external and internal grime. so at least i had that to make this saturday night worth something.

people in phoenix keep telling me to come back after my internship is over, and while most of me balks at the fact, there is that tiny sliver of my soul that is longing to be back in familiar territory, with reliable friends, and devoid of consistent and constant loneliness. but i know i'm romanticizing what my life used to be, and i know that it always takes me a long time to settle anywhere. so i keep strutting along, secure in the knowledge that one day, the missing pieces will materialize, and this web of despair and depression i'm steadily and expertly weaving will eventually unravel. because it has to.

and i can see this unraveling

2009-07-18T15:14:00.005-04:00

i spend a lot of time waiting and hoping for phone calls lately. it is so demoralizing and irritating.

nevertheless, i hope s calls me today so we can go to a club. i haven't been to a club since...the second weekend i was here, and it was wack on several levels. but i know that the right establishments and the right going-out buddies are out there, and i need to figure it out before certain people come out to visit! i should have asked that girl i was standing next to on the metro platform the other day. from the conversation she was having, it was clear that homegirl is very familiar with, at the very least, great places to drink.

i'm completely ignoring the fact that i should really be on lockdown because my financial situation sucks, but that makes me want to go out even more. silly, silly girl. i'm going to regret my irresponsibility soon enough, so i might as well indulge in it for the time being.

on an even more pathetic note, i find myself relating to the music of 16 year old disney chicks hardcore. demi lovato is killin' hos with this new album. or at least, the one song from it that i have been listening to almost nonstop. "catch me" is too adorably fierce.

to 3 of the fave 5

2009-07-16T21:42:00.007-04:00

i sound so fake! i impromptu-ly recorded this video outside of the building i work in.

chewing gum

2009-07-15T21:19:00.004-04:00

yesterday, i went to the first annual congressional women's softball game. my boss was in it, so that's the only reason why i thought i wanted to go. i momentarily forgot my complete aversion to most sports. it was terribly boring, but it was for a good cause - over $41,000 was raised to fund breast cancer research. my coworkers and i only stayed for about half the game. the field was in georgetown, which isn't very metro accessible, so i had to take one bus, then transfer to another bus to get me to a metro. i got impatient between the transfer and proceeded to walk around the neighborhood (which, oh my god, i need to go back there when i have money because there were some fierce stores). then i ended up walking through part of the georgetown campus, which was so gorgeous, as were many of the students. i felt super inferior and totally lamented my nau experience. i didn't make it home until well after midnight, didn't fall asleep until 1:30ish and i woke up feeling like i'd been strangled and poisoned - nauseated, achy, etc, etc. it was a rough morning.

it eventually leveled out and the last couple of hours were decent. i've managed to forge amicable relationships with most of my coworkers somehow, so that aspect of work is infinitely more tolerable. i even felt comfortable enough to drink a corona after 6:00, and that ish had me feeling super floaty and festive. after i bounced from work, i headed straight for the metro. i was waiting on the platform, someone calls me name, i turn around, and it's my absolute favorite professor ever! so random. her son is performing in a play here. seeing her totally made my day - she is so inspirational. not only is she utterly brilliant, but she is gorgeous and stylish and fun and great. so i'm going to grab lunch or dinner or something with her before she leaves. so excited.

now i'm at home, and the kfc i decided to eat was not the best decision, but not the worst. their grilled chicken is surprisingly decent, if still excessively greasy.

life is good.

a reply to a brooding optimist

2009-07-12T14:13:00.004-04:00

ridiculous.

i like it rough

2009-07-11T11:08:00.004-04:00

saturday mornings should be resplendent with the promise of a splendiferous day - especially a morning like this, when it is sunny but not excessively so. i should be looking forward to something. a shopping trip, a frolic around some random neighborhood downtown, a lovely conversation...alas, none of those await me. i'm flashing back to something i wrote the first night i got here where i said i was scared i wouldn't make any friends and be one of those people who's like, "i peaked in college, yo" and that definitely turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. it's a bummer, to say the least, but i'm hoping there's joy after this pain, and the damage will be minimal.

drowned out by britney

2009-07-10T22:01:00.004-04:00

take me on the floor

2009-07-09T21:11:00.005-04:00

work was weak. though at least i've found myself feeling more comfortable there, at least. i still dread it, but at least it's familiar.

then i went to a rooftop bar. the bouncer examined my id for way too long. that picture is old and all, but i don't look that drastically different. the roof was crowded and that is really not a good place to go solo. i kept playing with my phone and looking around like i was waiting for someone, even though i totally wasn't. oh, life in the fast lane. however, the strawberry stoli/sprite and the strawberry beer were delicious. i'm still not a beer person, but i've found that i do enjoy the fruity ones.

while i was at the metro station after hitting the bar, some older gremlin tried to holler. i told him i have a boyfriend, and he asked me if i was in love with him. what a trife, sketchy question. ummm...no, i'm not in love with him, so i'd be more than willing to engage in infidelity with your nasty, unattractive face. please. you look so dumb right now.

i've noticed that when i drink here, i get extremely hot and flushed. highly unusual. that did not happen in arizona at all. it's unpleasant.

walked by a clothing store named "shake your booty." i must go there when i have disposable income. it looked awesome.

song du jour: "houstatlantavegas" (remix) by jojo. originally a drake song, jojo killed it with this slightly abbreviated cover. she really needs to release some new original material, even though i adore her reinterpretations of songs originally done by dudes.

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weaker than

2009-07-09T00:02:00.004-04:00

i think it's truly janky that i can't associate both of my gmails with this blog. google, stop trying to make things more inconvenient than necessary. and i'm going to need them to stop trying to infiltrate all aspects of technology. they're planning on releasing an operating system next year...like, can you at least get google chrome to be on par with firefox first?

today (er, i guess yesterday at this point) i saw john mccain speak. he's not that charismatic. in this era of barack obama, all politicians needs to step their game up. there were a couple hundred self-important interns and young professionals crammed into that room for the opportunity to share space with him. i arrived about a half an hour before he spoke, which means i had to endure half an hour of fidgeting alone while almost everyone else was with their friends. story of my life here. so frustrating. but anyway, mccain proceeded to speak in rhetoric and basically only rhetoric the entire time. "america supports democracy", "the united states has a tradition of all citizens being equal and we support other nations with these values" (OH, REALLY?) and so on and so forth. i find myself becoming increasingly more disgusted with politics. it still enchants and fascinates me like no other, but i don't feel optimistic or inspired by many elected leaders. i seriously didn't think working in a congressional office would harden me, but i really see so many problems with american democracy. alas, i can't really discuss them on the internet at this juncture. it's all fodder for the eventual memoir though.

it just occurred to me that music is my best friend, and i don't talk about it much any more, so i'm going to start doing a song of the day. today's is "all of this" by kpm music. i heard it in a gossip girl promo in, like, 2007, and i had completely forgotten about it until this morning.

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eh eh (nothing else i can say)

2009-07-07T16:51:00.002-04:00

i'm blogging at work.

i feel so clandestine and shady, but it's not like i'm pulling a jessica cutler and writing about my sexploits on congressional computers.

anyway, i feel like i've been rather remiss in my blogging. i mean, every day ends up being some sort of an adventure, but i never think to regularly write things down. today has been pretty dull, but yesterday was a series of incredibly embarrassing events, from taking a tumble while getting off the bus to taking another tumble when getting off at the transfer stop at the metro and just being an overall hot mess, because i couldn't get over the initial bus stumble. and then there were the many, many, many days in which i left work wanting to slit my wrists after various incidents, but of course i've forgotten them. that's probably why i didn't write them down, because i've taken to avoiding confronting all things negative.

but it leads to a lot of missing pieces in the puzzle known as my life, because i essentially feel like if there was no tangible documentation, then it didn't happen. so, i'm going to make a committment to blog daily. maybe not substantial entries, but whose life is always substantial?

i just led a tour. that is one of the least favorite aspects of this internship. i only give one or two tours a week, but i dread them. i've found that if there are more than two people in the group, then i'm just completely ineffective. i don't have a voice that carries, and i always get really self-conscious about that, so i'm not quite as informative as i should be, and then i feel like the constituents aren't satisfied. idk, idk. i'm working on it, but the learning curve is hecka steep.

speaking of work, i continue to be the black sheep intern. even the new guy who has only been here for two weeks (compared to my, like, 7) fits in much better than i do. maybe it's because i don't care to talk about constituent mail as much as they do. whatever, taking it to another level. but overall, i do feel a lot better in general about going to work. it is what it is, and i can deal. and it helps that i downgraded myself from 45 to 27 hours a week, leaving me more than enough time to eventually get a side hustle, which i will hopefully acquire this week. knock on wood. because i am slowly but steadily putting myself into more and more debt, and it is not at all, even a little bit cute.

though there's no shortage of cute in my life, at least in regards to dudes. i mean, the guys who actaully approach me are never that cute (the most recent fellow looked like akon...enough said), but i'm forever spotting attractive guys, including one who looks like paul walker.

i'm pretty sure making eye contact with him will be the highlight of my week. seventh grade status!

misery business

2009-06-28T20:39:00.004-04:00

sunday has become my least favorite day of the week. i spend sundays in nervous, anxious, nausea-inducing anticipation of what is sure to be another series of mundane, mind-numbing, self-esteem shattering hours at work/in life.

basically, in terms of "commit or die", i'm straight up perishing.

you know i'm no good

2009-06-21T21:16:00.001-04:00

"maybe your life is boring because of you."

i am too transparent.

maybe if i write something honest

2009-06-20T15:36:00.000-04:00

maybe if i write something beautiful, i can make someone fall in love with me.

i'm like the ringleader, i call the shots

2009-06-02T17:50:00.000-04:00

i was on pause, but i'm about to press play.

set phasers to stun

2009-05-28T02:58:00.000-04:00

after two days at my internship, i have determined that this job, as crucial as it is, being that it functioned as my way to not only escape from witch mountain, but also provides me with invaluable professional experience, will also be a trial of my character. it is unpaid. which is quite unfortunate for someone like me, who is obsessed with shopping, has an affinity for eating at restaurants that do not have a dollar menu, and enjoys going to movies. by taking this position, i willingly sacrificed things that sustain me. i'm embracing an ascetic lifestyle. i sleep on an air mattress. there's no furniture in my room. i don't have any dishes. out of financial burden, i have taken on a pretty minimalist, somewhat ascetic lifestyle. all i've eaten in the last few days is fast food. at this juncture, all of this is fine, but i'm wondering if it will still be fine in a few weeks. at this point, i still have a little surplus, which will allow me to at least be able to enjoy this seemingly awesome, but hecka pricey metropolis for a little while. but eventually, if i don't find a job that i will be inspired to go to at night/weekends, then i'm, for almost all intents and purposes, screwed.

this is the perfect post-graduation summer. if i survive this, i'm going to have boundless confidence. it will be a time that i will be able to look back on when i'm not contemplating selling various organs with humbling pride.

also. i really, really, really need to make friends. my fellow interns seem nice enough, but they're not exactly the kind of people i want to frolic with in my free time. the friend i'm living with is cool, but we're sort of in different places in our lives. so it's a little bit uncomfortable spending more than a few minutes with her at any given moment. i've never been good at cultivating friendships, and it's a billion times harder when the pool of potential friendlies is a lot smaller.

however, despite my concerns, despite my days that drag on for several eternities i am still optimistic, and i think everything will work itself out. i'll get numb to the tediousness, i'll make friends, i'll make that money. but even if it doesn't, even if everything falls apart and i crumble along with it, i can put myself together again. no big. wouldn't be the first time.

it's very weird to feel emotional these days. it's not as fulfilling as it once was. oh, no, don't tell me i'm growing up.

gucci bandana, gucci gucci bandana

2009-05-25T03:27:00.000-04:00

i am entirely too old to be enjoying soulja boy songs. but, "turn on my swag" and "gucci bandana" are two of my jams. regression. my 19 year old self had the sense to at least be ashamed of occasionally cranking that soulja boy, but 21 year old jasmine is all shamelessly "gucci bandana, gucci gucci bandana."

anyway.

i am in college park, maryland. collipark, bubba sparxx. no, jk. i had the longest day. airports are too stressful. the whole atmosphere is tense and uncomfortable. while i love to be in new and different places, the process of getting there is atrocious. it tends to bring out the worst in people. i must say, though, i'm really proud of myself for being able to maintain my composure while my father was in complete wanker mode. god, he was so unpleasant, but i've reached a place of zen where i no longer take it personally. when we finally got to d.c., we got mad lost looking for his hotel. that hotel, by the way, is tripping. 10 dollars a day for wi-fi? trifeeee. my friend s met us there, and she took us to the abode where i will be residing for at least the next three months. it is too cute. it's a really quaint, cozy but spacious house, in a nice neighborhood. i'm excited to decorate my room, and hopefully will quickly be able to upgrade from this air mattress to a cute little trundle bed.

there is this little diner nearby that has really great food. however, the service sucks so hardcore. not gonna lie, the staff is really black, and god, not to say that flakiness/inefficiency is relegated to black people (please, i've lived in too many vanilla burbs to believe that). nevertheless, there is something about when a lot of black people are concentrated in one place that often leads to an increased probability of ish not getting done. seriously, the second time my friend and i went there to get ice cream before midnight, it took HALF AN HOUR to get our ish. and it was far from busy. it does not take that long to make a sundae and a root beer float. not cute.

oh, i also experienced the metro. a tad overwhelming. i have to keep reminding myself that millions of people navigate subways daily, so it is not impossible to conquer. but it will definitely be a couple of weeks before i start doing any legit exploring.

i saw where i work though. i am, like, a mile away from the white house! obeezy and i are going to be besties in no time. and i'm pretty close to, like, some branch of the fbi, the department of justice, the federal reserve, and other things that only a total political nerd would find exciting. squee! so stoked. so so stoked.

can't wait until i can take hecka, hecka photos.

it's like that

2009-05-22T23:16:00.000-04:00

i am such an inferior blogger. inferior to who? i'm going to estimate about 90 percent of the population. maybe i'm just being way harsh toward myself, but i really question the quality of my writing, especially my "creative" writing (yes, i consider non-fictional blogging to be creative). i think it's because i always stop and dismiss myself before i delve to deeply into any given subject. i either need to go balls to the walls, or fully commit to skimming the surface.

i think reading all 80 pages of sex and the ivy over the course of two days has led to this revelation. lena chen is brilliant. her articulation is inspired, hilarious, poignant, and intellectual. i strive to be a quarter as awesome as she is.

jaws theme swimming

2009-05-22T18:05:00.000-04:00

[3:01:12 PM] Me: dear god.
[3:01:16 PM] Me: i am terrified.
[3:01:57 PM] K: how so?
[3:02:31 PM] Me: in two days, i will be in completely unfamiliar territory. and two days after that, people are going to have professional expectations of me.
[3:02:38 PM] Me: i can't function under such circumstances.
[3:02:47 PM] K: commit or die
[3:02:50 PM] K: and I'd rather you didn't die
[3:03:46 PM] Me: right.
[3:04:01 PM] K: i guess you'll just have to see how it goes
[3:04:08 PM] K: it could be intense for sure though
[3:04:19 PM] Me: well, if nothing else, sky scrapers are a train ride away
[3:04:30 PM] K: convenient

cherry cherry boom boom

2009-05-19T22:04:00.001-04:00

i cannot believe i'm going to be living in silver spring, maryland in less than a week. i'm going to be taking the subway to work every day. i'm going to be wearing suits and heels and trying to network and impress people and make my way in the world. i'm going to be within "day trip" distance of new york and boston. every choice that i make or do not make will have legitimate consequences for my life. i'm going to have to make new friends. i'm going to be encountering the kinds of people i've never encountered before. i'm going to be in the midst of hardcore political activism.

this is the kind of life i've always imagined. it's all coming together incredibly well. too well, actually. i mean, okay, so my father is going to be flying out there with me. but he will be gone next thursday. then i'm liberated.

i'm either going to flounder or soar. this is when "commit or die", my phrase of choice lately, will actually mean something. that is the scariest, but most exhilirating realization i've ever reached.

i'm extremely ill-prepared for this.

it's been a long time

2009-05-10T17:24:00.000-04:00

i shouldn't have left you.

without a dope beat to step to.

haha. so...a couple of things have popped off since april 15.

i am, for almost all and intents and purposes, an alumna of northern arizona university. yea-errr.

the "almost" is in there because...

I GOT AN INTERNSHIP IN WASHINGTON DC.

and in order to get scholarship money, i'm going to have to delay the posting of my degree so i can get credit for this internship.

my first day of being a ~congressional intern~ will most likely be may 26. which means i'll be in DC no later than the 24 (which is seriously worst case scenario. i'm probably going to be there on the 21st) . so, basically, i'm going to be escaping from arizona a mere two weeks after graduation!

i had no idea i would be able to do that. but i am too stoked. i had fears of being one of those "lame duck" graduates, who just chills at home for an indefinite amount of time, not really doing anything of consequence, but not ready to bounce out into the real world.

wow. i guess it's true that if you can dream it, you can achieve it.

it's too perfect. i'm terrified.

from my heart to yours

2009-04-16T02:50:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, a complete stranger told me "I've seen you around campus, and for some reason, I knew you were special."

The enormity of this statement did not hit me until just a few seconds ago. Those are amazingly kind words. It's rare to hear amazingly kind words in this day and age.

circus

2009-04-12T15:52:00.000-04:00

This is completely ridiculous, but I'm listening to Britney's "Circus" right now, and for the first time ever, I relate to this song less on the "observer" level and more on the "ringleader" level.

Because I'm crazy.

thirsty

2009-04-10T02:23:00.000-04:00

Throughout most of college, I relied on certain vices to bring me relief or comfort. Recently, most of those have become stale and inactive. I'm in a transition phase, and I hope that by the end of it, I'm going to be satisfied.

i'm just doing what i do

2009-03-29T03:19:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not be so introspective. It's a trait that has caused me entirely too much...grief, but at the same time, I think I would probably be a much less evolved person because of it. But then I wonder if some of my deficiencies would be non-existent if I wasn't so interested in myself.

I don't know. Whatever, over it. It's technically still Saturday night, so I'm going to party by obsessing over Britney....god, I would really be an empty shell of a person if I didn't idolize Brit-Brit. I am forever astounded by my lameness.

meet me at the club

2009-03-22T04:39:00.000-04:00

My first name is not "baby." It's Jasmine - Trina, if you're nasty.

stimulate my heart, surrender my mind

2009-03-21T15:22:00.000-04:00

I want to make a concerted effort to turn the rest of this semester around. I refuse to end my undergraduate era on a bum note. I'm going to commit or die in all aspects of my life. I'm going to stop being intimidated. I'm going to be myself and not let other people's perceptions warp how I choose to act. I'm going to be doing me, myself, and I, and it's going to be ridiculously wonderful. It's time to make it hot.

the end of the world should be a good one

2009-03-16T20:10:00.000-04:00

The last several months have been incredibly rough for me. Times of intense highs and nearly catastrophic lows. Now I'm finally re-stabilizing. I'm returning to the old me, but with much more wisdom. My priorities are straightened, I'm much more in control of my emotions (for the most part) and I'm considering the last...10 months a really stupid but necessary detour on the road toward self-actualization. I'm even to the point where I am willing to forgive the catalyst for this downward spiral, because really, it was no one's fault but my own that I chose to engage in certain activities that did not fit in with who I was/am.

Maturity is an interesting experience. I think I like it.

i'm a good girl, but i can be bad

2009-03-14T02:31:00.000-04:00

no more being a low budget b-word.

like...really, being unconstructively snarky about other people is in no way fulfilling and does not assist in me becoming a ferosher me.

i'm committed to "love it or leave it alone."

pictures of my derriere in the magazines

2009-03-08T22:03:00.000-04:00

I went out last night. It was, perhaps, half as much fun as my last outing. Which means I feel half as much...cringe-y today. However...never have I ever had so many dudes try to holla. Tis a perk of being the ONLY person in a room with more than a modicum of rhythm. I mean, seriously, the scene was pretty wack. There were a whole lot of bottom-feeders in the spot - a pretty accurate picture of Flagstaff, let's be real. Also, more than half an hour of techno is truly unnecessary. But, I don't know, it was kind of entertaining and more interesting than another night alone, if nothing else.

Also...new favorite youtube clip:

Oh, Britney, don't hurt 'em!!!

tip of my tongue

2009-03-08T01:58:00.000-05:00

"Maybe we all live life at too high of a pitch. those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as a consequence, we can never feel merely content; we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically head-over-heels happy."
- Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

full of beautiful mistakes

2009-03-05T15:22:00.000-05:00

There is nothing like a prolonged period of absurdity to make someone feel hecka weaker than is acceptable.

From what I hear.

pardon me

2009-03-04T03:38:00.000-05:00

I kind of hate every single person in my daily life right now. No big.

make traffic stop when you pop

2009-03-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

I'm one of those abominable college kids who only goes out once in a blue moon. I can count the number of times I've hit the club/bars using only both my hands. I like going out in theory - you know, it's an opportunity to get slightly wild and invoke my inner Beyonce and be a little uninhibited for once. But in all actuality, I either don't feel comfortable unleashing Jasmine Fierce or if I do, I always end up questioning myself and my integrity and values. Which is so completely over-the-top and absurd, because I never do anything so outrageous or naughty or anything. I mean...if dropping it like Trina at the bar is the most ridic thing I can come with, then I think my virtue is still intact. Yet I always end up feeling really unsettled and even more uncomfortable than usual. I'm cracked - ie, totally alienated from certain aspects of my personality that maybe I should just embrace. Or something. Idk, idk.

Like...is it really too much to ask to be able to do that without feeling atrocious?

not playing the broken-hearted girl

2009-02-24T22:40:00.000-05:00

This semester is eerily reminiscent of the first semester of my freshman year. Same kind of inconsistent friendships, same amount of academic credits, same feeling of disconnect from the rest of the world.

Sigh. This is the most boring, plebeian, tedious, mundane senior year ever. How fitting. You reap what you sow, I guess, and I'm most certainly not one for farming.

Can I just do this? For the rest of my life?

do it til the windows break

2009-02-23T11:18:00.000-05:00

Lately, it seems that every time I engage in conversation with someone, there's always a moment where they either ignore me or look at me with a blank stare. I feel alien.

Whatevski, I'm on another level, no passengers on my plane.

turning up this song for freedom

2009-02-15T19:24:00.000-05:00

So I thought I would be distraught about the situation I wrote about in my last entry for, like, hecka months. But no, I'm OFFICIALLY OVER IT. Sometimes I wonder where my strength and resilience comes from, but then I'm like, "whatever, at least I have it." I feel soooo liberated and happy and stoked and...idk, for the first time since last summer, I'm not at all worried about dudes. I thought I had reached this point sometime last semester, but I definitely had not. Saying it doesn't make it true, but feeling it does.

Heck yes!

too slow to love, too quick to hate

2009-02-11T14:39:00.000-05:00

I'm very judgmental. It is what it is. Basically, I expect people to be completely wack. I look for any and every reason to criticize them, and they basically have to earn points in order for me to like/respect them. I don't know if that's a good way to go through life or not, but quite honestly, I don't care. I've done it the opposite way. I've immediately "fallen" for people (not romantically, but you know) and then they end up being completely mediocre jerkoffs and I'm left feeling...well, completely unfierce and unfabu and overall disgusting. With this system of being cynical, I thought I had constructed a really good filter for rejecting riffraff. But nothing is perfect, clearly.

Last night, I found out I was complicit in someone's shady antics. I kind of suspected this person wasn't on the up and up, but I ignored it, because I had thought this person was fairly legit. But homie is not. I fell asleep nauseated and woke up with knots in my tummy, and I just feel so...guilty, atrocious, and morally reprehensible. I'm not terribly familiar with guilt, and I would really rather not be ever again. Even though I technically didn't do anything wrong, I severely regret not listening to my intuition. I swear, is it that hard to not be a sucky, shady, sketchball person? I didn't think it was, because I've never had to struggle with it, but I am really not impressed with those who do.

Whatevski, whatevski.

sometimes i want to drop a tear, but no emotion from a queen

2009-02-04T19:42:00.001-05:00

"What's wrong? Are you okay? Tell me what's wrong? Something's wrong, please tell me what it is."

No. I wish some people understood that not everyone wants to share their problems with others. People have different ways of processing and dealing with various whatevers, and I wish that others understood that and fell back accordingly. Not that I don't appreciate their concern, but...I don't need it. Especially when there's actually nothing wrong.

Also, I wish people would master the miniskirt/boots combo, because most people are not rocking it well.

Finally, I'm addicted to Tumblr. Oh my lord, way too many online activities....between reading blogs, writing blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and now Tumblr...ugh. Excessive. But so fun.

looking in

2009-01-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

I was a little different
Didn't do what the fast girls do
Studied my rhythm

Oh, Solange and her pertinent lyrics. Though I don't know who she was talking about, because it certainly was not her. You don't get knocked up at 17 by merely "studying" rhythm.

This year is not starting off so well. My bipolarity is acting up again. Oh, I guess it can't be bipolarity if there are no highs involved, right? Time continues to tick and I continue to wane. School is underwhelming. I'm only taking four classes, and none of them seem mindblowingly amazing. I don't really know why that phrase is in my vocabulary still, because I haven't experienced anything I could describe that way in quite some time. `The other day, I had a near-death experience in a car, and when I shrieked like the little punk that I am, and it was, to be perfectly cheeseball, one of those moments that I later described as "making me feel alive." Sometimes I question it. I mean, obviously, I'm alive. I do what I need to do in order to make it appear that I am a somewhat normal, totally functioning member of society. I go to class, I do homework, I work (and jock other people's shifts), and I am not dead enough inside to not be amused by funny people. Also, I shop. So obviously, my situation isn't that horrible. But it kind of is. I wish I could articulate it, but actually, I don't, because I don't need to reveal super intimate emotional details on the internet. Whatevski.

***

I wrote the above portion of this blog yesterday. Today was the inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama and I guess that was another one of those "I'm really grateful to be alive" days. Unfortunately, I missed watching his moment live (why I didn't ditch class, I don't know), but when I went to work, and every TV was tuned to inauguration coverage, I just felt so...elated. I'm so excited to be able to witness the political future of this country. Excited as opposed to terrified. What an interesting concept. The high is quickly fading though, and I'm kind of crashing. Gah, so emo. Not cool, emotions can only slow you down.

broken but not shattered

2009-01-15T23:35:00.000-05:00

This has been one of those weeks that would have driven a weaker woman to stick her head into an oven.

don't you let me go tonight

2008-12-19T00:28:00.000-05:00

"Either...I like to dance or I like to cry" - Lykke Li

Resonates hard.

feel like walking, diving in tears

2008-12-14T11:36:00.000-05:00

I did, ultimately, survive finals week with little-to-no trauma. This is the first time I feel confident that I basically rocked, which means I probably got beyond mediocre grades. But whatever, I can't do anything about it now. Time to look to the future and shake off the past. Which is good, because this semester was WACK. But anyway. My roommate moved out, because she said she wanted to live with "a bunch" of people. Whatever, she was barely a blip on my radar. Totally inoffensive, but....meh. I hope my next roommate is fierce and has potential to be a friendly.

I'm in Flagstaff for the first week of winter break. There's snow on the ground, which is not at all exciting, but that's life. I work a total of three days this week, because everyone and their nana is trying to get shifts. Alas, 15 hours is better than zero. I have no idea what has been going on this last month or so, but my money situation has become pretty much dire. I think my birthday weekend is to blame. Whatever, a girlie only has a limited amount of birthdays in her lifetime. However, consequently, I have like 18 dollars to last me until Friday. I feel like this is preparation for post-graduation life, which I suppose I can appreciate. This is going to be the absolute longest week of my life. Now that I have basically no obligations, I have an absurd amount of free time. Most of my friends have bounced out, and the ones left aren't really ones that I tend to socialize with. So I have nothing to do, no one to hang out with, and I can't even amuse myself by buying stuff. Rough. I have DVDs I haven't watched yet, and books to read, but that can only fill so much time. Oh, well, time to get creative or something.

untimely

2008-12-02T22:16:00.000-05:00

I realized I haven't written about my birthday at all, anywhere. List time:

*Freakum dress
*Fierce friends
*Sushi
*Sake bombers
*Blushing geisha
*Shots
*Dip it, pop, twerk it, stop it
*Mystery boy
*McDonald's water

And...that's it.

Five finals and a paper next week. Maybe I'll survive, maybe I won't.

what a beautiful view if you were never aware of what was around you

2008-11-24T18:38:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about friendships a lot lately. Which is interesting, in that I'm not someone who needs a lot of friends. Quality over quantity, you know. I don't throw the word "friend" around loosely. It's serious to me. I think in my whole life, there have been less than 10 people who I at one time or another considered to be a legitimate friend. And that's okay. It means that I don't have to deal with the drama that seems to characterize most people's lives from middle school until death. I have a low tolerance for wankers. I'm not one of those people who keeps others around for the sole purpose of making fun of them behind their backs or to make myself feel better or for any myriad of severely screwed up reasons people maintain "friendships." Like, obviously, people are going to be irritating. That's just the way it is. But I have encountered so many people who ALWAYS have something negative to say about someone, but still have the nerve to call them a "friend." What is that? Is it fun? I can't imagine it is. I like to make fun of people I don't know, because it's not personal, it's fleeting, and I'll forget about two seconds later. Which kind of makes me a sucky person, I realize, but it's infinitely less ridiculous than tearing down someone that you go through the effort of pretending you like.

Why am I so fixated on this? I'm not sure. Lately I've been questioning my integrity, and I guess I became too uncomfortable with that topic, so I switched to the external and started questionng other people's. And the key conclusion I've made from doing that is that people are utterly ridiculous, and while deep down they may good, they never really cultivate that inner goodness. They allow the outside world to toxify them and turn them ugly and they never think that maybe it could be different. That being cutthroat and catty and rude might be cute/funny sometimes, it can easily spiral and turn into something worse, something that becomes deeply entrenched in your very soul and will eventually become crazy impossible to extract. And that's for sure not cute.

So I have more fat to cut than I thought. And a good place to resume doing so would probably be myself.

Get it right, get it tight.

everything is still a blur

2008-11-22T22:27:00.001-05:00

"If I can't have what I want
Then my job is to want what I've got
And be satisfied
That at least there is something more to want"

So I came across this excerpt from a Nikki Giovanni poem and it basically describes my life. Some people make it seem like wanting things is bad. Like having aspirations makes you...ungrateful? Spoiled? I'm not sure exactly, since I don't have that perspective. If anything, wanting keeps me alive. It sustains me. Sometimes I feel really numb and stoic and I wonder if I'm still legitimately alive, and then I feel a rush of desire and I know that I still exist, physically AND emotionally. I suppose I sound a little crazy right now. But I am a little crazy, so perhaps I merely sound like truth. And that's something that's been lacking in my life. There's SO MUCH fakeness around here. People try too hard to be "cool" or "unique" or "quirky" and it manifests itself as irritating insincerity. I'm not feeling it.

i fall in love with my stereo

2008-11-07T00:11:00.000-05:00

I came to the realization that basically everyone I've met since the beginning of 2006 has been totally wack.

That's kind of rough.

Oh, and dudes are really mean (in a complete punk b word kind of way, the lamest kind of mean) and a recent experience has confirmed why I tend to not engage with them. It only took me...well, far longer than it should have, to accept that homie is kind of a sucky person. Because even though I talk a lot of s-word about folks, I think most people are basically good and don't intend to hurt others. Which is incredibly naive. I've been lucky in that I have had relatively little experience with being emotionally stabbed, so when it does happen, I make a lot of excuses for the violent person and try to rationalize their actions and make them less hurtful. Not cute, and I'm just going to become much less hesitant about legitimately blacklisting people.

I'm making a commitment to return back to the basics (but not in a mediocre Christina Aguilera kind of way). Cutting the fat, if you will. I'm stoked.

ice box

2008-11-01T00:57:00.000-04:00

somewhere along the way, this girl lost her soul.

because people have consistently been trying to f with her head for as long as she can recall.

so she's over it and done.

and it's cool, because emotions slow people down.

6 more months and then she can pretend like her entire life has never happened.

sweet.

can't keep my hands out the cookie jar

2008-10-24T18:33:00.000-04:00

No, for real, I'm gaining weight because I'm obsessed with food and I haven't been exercising the way I should. What I need to do is make friends with some rails so I'm constantly inspired. Le sigh. Model through it, Keenyah style! Ha. She was so wack.

It's the weekend. I have several DVDs that I've bought but have yet to watch, so I'll try to pop in a couple of those before Sunday night. I also have to do a team-building exercise for work. The cliqueyness is already solidified, and there are people on my blacklist who will forever be on my blacklist, and I think almost everyone else feels the same way. Also, I think it's trife to force people who are legitimately terrified of heights to do that. Like, we work at the union - isn't that sufficient psychological trauma? And this isn't like a Real World/Road Rules challenge where people at least have the chance to make mad bank. So basically, the whole situation is dumb and that's almost a consensus. One of the managers said that one of the potential repercussions for not going is a write up. Really? Really? Disciplinary action because someone doesn't want to do a ropes course? Entirely too militant/fascist. I don't recall "team-building" being a part of my job. Whatever.

Lol, I'm so riled up about this. I mean, it's only three hours of life so it's not that crucial, but it's the principle of the matter.

I put purple streaks in my hair a couple of hours ago. No real reason why. I went to Sally's Beauty Supply last weekend and they had that cheapo temporary spray-on dye so I felt compelled to purchase some "just in case". So yeah. I don't know, it's not super noticeable but it's a little different and that's cool, or whatever. It's like a throwback to middle school days when I used to put blue or green streaks in my micro-braids. Oh, I was the very definition of hot, mmhm. Except not at all. Not much has changed!

Paz, justicia, y ferocidad para siempre!

life is not about closure, is it?

2008-10-20T00:31:00.000-04:00

No, it definitely isn't.

It's taking entirely too long for this to internalize.

Well, at least I know that "lives" is both a noun and a verb. That's more than some people can say. I wonder what I'm going to do when I ascend to a place where I'm not surrounded by such completely remedial wankers and I can't compare myself to them to make myself feel better.

not the girl who never wants to be alone

2008-10-17T23:14:00.000-04:00

chocolate.
vodka.
blackout.

ready. set. go.

the trick is not caring that it hurts

2008-10-13T21:22:00.000-04:00

I'm waiting for my moment to come
I'm waiting for the movie to begin
I'm waiting for a revelation
I'm waiting for someone to count me in
Because now I only see my dreams
In everything I touch
Feel their cold hands on everything that I love
Cold like some magnificent skyline
Out of my reach
But always in my eyeline

Keane - Spiralling

This sums up my life most perfectly. Tis the season to be shamelessly emotional.

taking a break from waiting for my sky to fall

2008-10-13T01:55:00.000-04:00

Add 2 bracelets and 4 pairs of earrings to that previous list of ish I've ordered online. I'm not ashamed.

And a few random thoughts:

a. It's okay to truly believe you deserve more than you currently have.
b. My NAU inner circle is a thing of the past as of this weekend. Those tricks are mediocre and we're not that close any more anyway and they have been officially moved to the acquaintances column. Greylisted, if you will.
c. There is something highly decadent about waking up to a box of milk chocolate strawberry creams and I should try to make that happen more often.
d. I still feel compelled to buy things. Whatever, I have a ginormous void and I'm unsuccessfully trying to fill it with clothes/shoes/accessories/DVDs/nail polish/etc/etc. I'm cool with that.
e. It's time to migrate. As usual.

consumerism

2008-10-10T17:06:00.000-04:00

In the past three days, I have purchased online:

- 1 Black peacoat (finally!)
- 1 messenger bag
- 3 pairs of shoes
- 2 dresses
- 4 headbands
- 1 cardigan

And I am seriously, seriously, seriously checking out Marc Jacobs totes. They're so cute! Even the low-end ones (for the most part).

This is a straight up sickness. Like, I'm so glad I've forbidden myself from using my credit card any more because I could really put myself into a world of trouble.

i'm going to hate you until i forget you

2008-10-09T11:01:00.000-04:00

I am so bored. Not just in this moment, but constantly. My life is a monotonous litany of obligations and fleeting moments of superficial pleasure after I've bought something. This is either the calm before the storm, or I'm in the midst what will eventually become the most boring senior year ever in the history of senior years. For all of my talk of getting up and outtie and being above this, sometimes I wonder if all I am is "this." If maybe it's always been decided for me that I'm meant to live a really uninspiring existence. I don't know, I don't know. Depressing thoughts. Perhaps this is one of those times where I need to ask myself, What Would Beyonce Do? Shake that weave and pop it until her troubles disappear, I suppose.

i'm a lollipop, but not a sucker

2008-09-26T10:19:00.000-04:00

Current obsessions:

*Lady Gaga - "Just Dance"
*Britney Spears - "Womanizer"
*Waking up much earlier than necessary to do homework
*Egg/cheddar/bacon sandwich on plain bagel from Einsteins'
*Jenna Jameson
*Taking wannabe artsy pictures of myself and failing oh-so-miserably
*Finding clarity on matters that have been plaguing my soul
*Being deeply concerned about the economy, and then wondering about the implications of said concern
*Lists

stop and breathe

2008-09-22T01:14:00.000-04:00

I had a few hours of almost pure bliss today.

It seems that all I need in my life to experience happiness is to wear a cute dress, lounge in bed next to my window with the sun shining, soft music in the background, two great books, and various snacks at my disposal.

Simple living is hot.

the first cut is the deepest

2008-09-18T19:48:00.000-04:00

I scraped my ankle against something sharp last night and it continued to bleed this morning.

Story of my life.

people can take everything away from you...

2008-09-14T23:38:00.000-04:00

...but they can never take away your truth.

God, Britney Spears is so wise.

Unfortunately, it takes a lot to be able to get to that point. To realize that you're essentially only at the mercy of yourself.

I know a lot of people who have gotten there though. They're really intense. Like, completely and fully committed to themselves and their lives. They feel everything deeply and profoundly, and the way they live their lives is directly linked to who they are as individuals. They're not wishy-washy, weak, or passive. The people I'm thinking of are only 20/21, so of course they're not fully formed individuals (but is anyone, ever?) but they've constructed solid working definitions that work for them, and have built pretty solid foundations that can't easily be shattered.

I must say I'm envious of them. Though sometimes their balls to the wallness can be intimidating/frustrating/completely obnoxious/borderline toxic, I consider them to be worth my admiration. Because they're in the midst of the most valid and beautiful love affair one can engage in...the one with yourself. And that's legitimately gangsta.

But apropos of nothing, I'm just going to give up on macaroni and cheese that is not homemade. I've tried two frozen kinds, and good god, did they suck. If America is supposed to be a nation of lazy and obese tricks with a desperate need for instant gratification, wouldn't the art of frozen food be super perfected by now? For reals, though.

i get kind of hectic inside

2008-09-07T23:40:00.000-04:00

My new life goal is to marry a head of state. Preferably head of a democratic state, but if an authoritarian sheik wanted to holla, I wouldn't turn him down. I'm not sure where this came from, because for the longest time, the idea of becoming romantically involved with someone who has political ambitions was absolutely nauseating. However, now I'm loving the idea of maybe in the next couple of years meeting a super ambitious, hungry fella whose ultimate goal is to become the "leader of the free world", someone who needs a lady who's interested in politics and can express her opinions rationally, but still knows when to hush and just be pretty arm candy. In exchange, I get a chance to be part of an inner circle that is generally not accessible to those of my socio-economic class and when homie becomes super successful, it will benefit me in my career because he would provide legitimacy.

Oh, hopefully, one day this will all transpire. I swear, I've pretty much completely stopped living in the present and spend most of my time working out my various fantasies. I've even gone so far as to look up Italian lofts, because that is my other new thing. I want to spend a portion of my life in Rome. I would prefer for this to happen in the next decade, quite honestly, because I have this vision of living a vaguely ascetic life, as only a lost 20-something female could do. I envision myself maybe meeting some super passionate, super hot Roman or Venetian or Mliano artist/activist with whom I commence an epic whirlwind romance, from which I learn exactly what kind of person I am/what I'm meant to do with my life, and our rendezvous ends with an intensely sad goodbye scene involving tears and rain and all the makings of a tearjerker chick flick.

I wish I didn't have an imagination, because my life never, ever, ever ends up being half as great as my make-believe constructions.

i see a solitude

2008-09-03T02:29:00.000-04:00

I need to realize that maybe being fashionable is not worth serious horrid knee and foot pain I'm enduring right now. I decided to rock these bangin' heels, which was not a good idea since I had to do a bunch of scurrying around campus. Ugh, I wanted to die. But I got all kinds of random compliments, which is always good for the soul.

Oh, god, so Gossip Girl was fantastic last night. Loved almost every second of it. However, the whole having a classy cocktail thing didn't work out so well. I had to deal with raspberry vodka instead of strawberry, and oh, I'm such a novice. I tried to make a cocktail with Sprite, and I way overdid the vodka part. I couldn't even finish a glass because it was just...disgusting. It was like sugar mixed with rubbing alcohol. Terribly offensive to the tastebuds, and maybe it's my punishment for even trying to drink on a Monday night. I don't even enjoy alcohol. But I've been socialized by my peers into thinking that alcohol makes everything better, and it really doesn't. Not in my case, anyway.

I wonder why my room smells like medicine.

Also, I feel myself becoming a legitimately mean person. It scares me.

intoxicate me, i'm a lush

2008-09-01T19:29:00.000-04:00

This weekend was pretty unimpressive.

- Had to go home. That means I had to completely pretend to be a different person. I couldn't wear the clothes I always wear, or style/not style my hair the I do at school. Which means that internally, I felt totally icks, to match my icky outside appearance.
- Got home, realized I didn't have my phone, freaked out for hours.
- Found out that somehow instead of putting my phone in my bag, I dropped it on the ground outside. Some fabulous good samaritan found it and facilitated its return to my room.
- Unfortunately, that meant I was unplugged from everyone for almost two days. Um...not fun. Absolutely horrible, in fact.
- However, did go shopping. Hit up Forever 21, Sephora, Victoria's Secret, American Eagle, JC Penney, and The Body Shop.
- Came back to Flag yesterday. Dad was being super chatty with my roommate, and it was awkward.
- Went to work. Had to stay two hours later than scheduled because people on a few different levels were completely inconsiderate.
- The weather was totally screwing with my mood. It went rain to sunny to overcast to looking like it might snow, and my delicate sensibilities weren't down with that at all.
- I was itching to do some dancing and drinking last night. It sucks, because every time I get invited to a good party, I go and I'm never really in the mood to really live it up. But ever time I'm ready to do some grindin' like Clipse, no opportunities arise. Le sighhh.
- I delved into a great piece of chick lit, though. Which at the end of the day, is much more satisfying than some random college party that will be completely irrelevant by the next weekend.
- Now I'm at work, again. Two hours left, then I will hopefully proceed to procure the proper supplies to enjoy the Gossip Girl premiere tonight. I finally have a reason to look forward to Mondays again. I am legitimately pathetic. Alas, my GG buddy is off in Norway, so I'm going to be alone. Oh, that's hot. Sitting on my bed, drinking strawberry Smirnoff, getting lost in a fictional world, all by myself? That's a recipe for downward spiral if I'm not careful.
- I'm at 19 credits right now. I don't think it will be too bad, actually. I'm pretty on top of everything so far. I've realized that actually staying on top of the readings is not that difficult at all. Hopefully, that means I will have absolutely none of those terribly disgusting nights where I'm up until 3 or 4 in the morning studying or writing some 12 page paper.
- I have a strange feeling something crazy is going to happen soon, and I'm unfortunately going to be in the midst of it. I really, really hope I'm wrong though. I don't deal well with things out of the ordinary.

cosmic theater of the absurd

2008-08-28T21:44:00.000-04:00

I don't like how easily I lose my poise. I'm stuck on a 2 minute encounter I had the other day that completely just...shattered any illusion I had of possibly being a stable individual. A couple of days ago, I ran into this boy, and I corroded into a mess. My breathing became super shallow, my heartbeat was throbbing and so obscenely loud (I swear I heard it in my head), my eyes couldn't focus, and I couldn't stand still. I kept literally trying to run away, but somewhere in the back of my head, I realized walking away while not even trying to engage in small talk would be excessively rude, so I managed to stop myself. It was absolutely ridiculous. I have no idea what it is about this person that caused me to react so strongly.

The last time I remember being even remotely as nervous as I was in that moment was the time freshman year when I wandered down to someone's room and his roommate answered the door, dripping wet and only in a towel, and I almost melted into a puddle because it was ridic. But that was different, because that boy was FINE and I was a sheltered 17 year old who had never seen a legitimately attractive boy in such a half-naked state in person before. The kid that I pretty much had an anxiety attack around the other day? Moderately attractive, but seeing/talking to him shouldn't have triggered the physical/mental reaction I had. I guess it sounds like I have a serious crush on him, but I for sure do not, so I'm just confused, agitated, and embarrassed because I can't imagine that I didn't come off as a complete and utter freakshow basket case.

HUGE DRAMATIC SIGH. I want unshakeable swagger! I want to be one of those ferociously awesome people who is totes graceful and totally solid and fabulous and all that good stuff. Whatever. It's good to have quirks. At least I'm not terribly annoying/dumb/obnoxious/ugly/clueless. Some people might think I'm endearing in the awkwardness.

I just heard a fabulously honest quote: "You make me like me more." I love when people partake in real talk. There's so much insincerity and trying too hard to be cool, and just pure old fakeness, so I love the little bits of honesty that people occasionally let slip out.

ready to do whatever's clever

2008-08-27T19:53:00.000-04:00

So I guess I'm over the initial burst of panic/distress/overall negativity re: school. Which isn't to say that I'm enjoying classes any more than I was before, but I've reached a place of Zen and I'm accepting that this semester is probably going to suck. Whatever, what else is new? I really need to make some friends. How ridic is that? I would think that most people, by their senior year, have already constructed a solid social circle. Not I. I've pretty much hung out with a different group of people every year, and there are only a couple of people who are kind of/sort of/relatively permanent members of the inner circle. It sucks. Unfortunately, I don't know how I'm going to go about making new friends, but hopefully I'll figure it out soon. I never really mastered the art of making new friends. I've always just kind of stumbled into friendships, pretty much complete cosmic intervention. Either that, or the other party reached out to me first, and I responded in a sufficiently satisfactory way.

I swear, this summer, I've become so long-winded in my writing. I used to be able to express things all succinctly and to the point, but now I'm all Princess Rambles status. Ew.

Oh, god, so I wore heels again today, and for some reason, I was having a rough time with steps. I almost twisted my ankle, like, three times. I completely biffed it in the union, but I was totally graceful about it. I didn't even spill my Cherry Pepsi.

And! Okay, etiquette 101 - when you tell someone you're going to call them, it might be a good idea to actually, I don't know, call them. What the f. I ran into someone yesterday that I hadn't seen in a while, we chatted for a bit, and homie was all, "I'll call you in a bit." Yesterday. Like, more than 24 hours ago. Really, what does "in a bit" even mean anyway? How does one set her watch to "in a bit"? I've noticed that when people use ambiguous time frames like that, they don't really have any intention of doing what they say they're doing, which I think is so dumb. If you don't want to do something, don't say you will. Is that such a difficult concept to grasp? Especially when you're not even provoked. In this particular instance, homie and I weren't even having a particularly scintillating conversation, so it's not even like we were in the midst of something really awesome that needed to be continued. But still, it's the principle of the matter. I can't stand flakes. They get stuck on my clothes and stimulate my inner freakshow neurotic. Not like that's a difficult feat.

I suppose I should go get my read on. Allegedly this book for my Politics of Developing Nations is a compelling read, though I'd much rather read the cheesy chick lit I picked up from Target.

Ew, why did Disney make a prequel to The Little Mermaid. Capitalist sluts. Can't they just leave things alone?

this has become an all too familiar scene

2008-08-27T02:16:00.001-04:00

Today quite possibly might have been even more boring and unstimulating than yesterday. I had four classes, and the only one that I was excited for was my first one, so it was all downhill from there. My econ professor is totally stream of consciousness, stringing together concepts that only vaguely connect to each other. Fucking fabulous. Econ is one of my many academic weaknesses, and of course, I always get the professors who lack the skills to bring clarity to a subject that I just don't understand. Japanese sucked, as per usual, and then I had my Transnational Feminism class, with a professor who has this totally elitist, condescending, patronizing attitude towards her students that is so grating. I really wish I could derive enjoyment from my classes. I don't like feeling my spirit steadily die throughout the day. I hope my first impressions are wrong and that I end up falling madly in love with all of my classes and wake up super early every day ready to commence with the beautiful event that is "life." If nothing else, I want to shake off this...ominous feeling I have, like things are going to fall apart horribly (like there's a positive way for things to crumble).

Okay...lighter subjects, lighter subjects. I'm blanking. There must be something. Oh. I'm really super intolerant of all the unfortunate fashion I see while making my way around campus. I swear, no one knows how to find clothes that fit, accessories that ruin any kind of legitimacy an ensemble may have had, or a complete and utter lack of swagger that turns a potentially sexyhot ensemble into a hot mess. Lately, I've found myself really wondering what motivates people to wear what they wear. Not just the unfortunates, but anyone. Like, why did you choose to wear that particular top? Why are you wearing that particular wash of denim? Why are you wearing that top with that bottom? It's weird, how I become fixated on certain aspects of other people's lives. Sometimes I wish I could find myself as fascinating as I find others, but then I realize I kind of do, otherwise why would I even write a blog? Clearly, I think my thoughts are interesting enough for someone else's consumption.

But speaking of fashion, I looked hecka cute today. Though whether I'm judging that by NAU standards or by above-average real world standards is not known.

if you must falter, be wise

2008-08-25T20:21:00.000-04:00

The first day of the semester = not so impressive. I had to open today, and both of the tricks I worked with arrived extremely late. Of course, since it's the beginning of the semester, everyone is stuck on stupid and I was overwhelmed with the same, repetitive questions that people could have easily found out the answer to without my assistance. Then, someone higher on the proverbial professional chain was not on the ball and that caused unnecessary tension that could have been avoided had she, you know, done what she is paid to do/what she allegedly enjoys doing.

Then I had my first class, and it was completely underwhelming. No cute boys, the professor is whatever, there are like 50 katrillion ROTC kids in there, and there is this unfortunately awkward girl that I think I'm probably going to have homicidal thoughts towards, because she's so weird and kind of disruptive and just grossly strange. I have difficulty tolerating grossly strange.

After class, I took care of some extracurricular activities, and right before I left to go back to my room, hello, torrential downpour. It was ridiculous. Like Mother Nature was seriously distraught abotu something. It was that scary kind of rain that is often described as falling down in "sheets." Of course, today, I was deadset on rocking some 3 inch heels, and when I walked outside, in some spots there was seriously 3 inches of rain on the ground. But I killed it. Barely stumbled, kept the fierce strut intact, and totally worked it out. It was fabulosa.

When I got back to my room, I changed into a new dress, and chilled out, and it took a severe amount of willpower to go to my other class. Still no cuties, and I didn't really notice any particularly ferosh individuals, but times could change.

Now I'm sitting here, DNC on in the background, slightly freezing in my room. I'm not really excited about Mondays and Wednesdays, but maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays will be a bit more exciting. I tend to enjoy South Campus more than North.

Ugh. I can't wait to get up and outtie.

it's a honey nut cheerios kind of night

2008-08-24T03:59:00.001-04:00

I'm on the eve of commencing my senior year of college. Intellectually, I know that this is, like, hugely significant. I'm approaching crossroads in my life - not only ones related to my professional future, but my personal future as well. Consequently, I have decided to start a new blog. I have a Livejournal, but that is essentially an emo cesspool. I started writing in my LJ when I was 16, deeply entrenched in suburban turmoil. That was what I wrote in in my deepest times of despair, in my weakest/most immature moments. Now I feel like it's tainted. I feel like I'm in a different place now than I was even a few months ago, so writing in my LJ almost seems wrong. Hence, the blogspot. It kind of feels more mature, more...stable. Or, at the very least, less embarrassing.

This is the time where I really need to commit to my goals. It used to be easy to flake out, you know, because there wasn't really anything at stake. But now that I'm getting older, wading deeper into the trenches that constitutes the "20s", I feel more internal pressure to do better. I absolutely refuse to be one of those people who doesn't pull it together until they're practically menopausal. I have ambitions that I need to fulfill, places to go, people to meet, fabulous clothes to buy, experiences to partake in, and I can't let trife internal baggage slow me down. Life is long, but life is also extremely short, and I already feel like I'm off to a slow start.

Wow, I am not really making a lot of sense right now. I just got home from working a school concert (with some of the most unfortunate bands EVER), after being on my feet for almost 7 hours. My brain is fried, even though I just ate some Honey Nut Cheerios, and I think it's probably time for me to crash out.